If Only He’d Take More Responsibility

“One of my lawyer friends told me last week that Tim had talked to him about a divorce,” reports Kylie, 40, the mother of 15-year-old Elise and 7-year-old Tess. “That hit me like a ton of bricks. I know we don’t have a fairy-tale marriage, but I had no idea things were so bad that Tim, who never takes any action on anything, was thinking about ending our six-year marriage.”

This is Kylie’s second marriage, and she doesn’t want to give up on it, but she’s totally frustrated by her husband’s lack of initiative. “Tim and I manage a rollerskating rink, and if he’d put half as much interest and energy into his business as he does into his skating, we wouldn’t have all these problems.” Because he doesn’t, Kylie has to shoulder all that responsibility - plus housekeeping and parenting duties - at the same time she’s trying to complete her undergraduate degree in biology.

Kylie concedes that her husband has a wonderful personal rapport with people and is a terrific teacher. “But he can’t stand up to anyone,” she adds.

Kylie hates the battles that have been raging at the rink and at home and puts much of the blame on herself. “I can be very demanding, even cruel,” she admits. “I hate myself when I’m like that - I sound just like my mother - and I’m always sorry afterward. But how can I get him to understand we have a family to support?” Tim acts as if everything’s a lark.

But Tim, 37, is convinced the only reason Kylie wants to stay married is to use him as a punching bag. “My wife treats me like dirt.” The other day, he recalls, she raced into the rink office, saw there were five messages on the machine and went berserk. “Ideally I should have picked them up, but I had two classes to teach that morning, and a bunch of other things came up. The point is, nobody died because I didn’t return those phone calls.”

Tim is finding it harder and harder to shrug off Kylie’s verbal assaults. “Kylie used to say she loved the way I was - that I wasn’t like the other men she knew. What’s different now? I was always attracted to her ability to call a spade a spade, I liked her honesty. Now, I just wish she’d shut up.”

Curing the glass-is-half-full syndrome

“Like Kylie and Tim, many couples watch their problems become worse over the years, and they become weighed down by pessimism and hopelessness,” noted Michelle Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist in Woodstock, Ill. But the only way to feel more hopeful is to effect change.

Indeed, once people change their behavior - even in a small, seemingly insignificant way - corresponding changes take place in how they feel about themselves and their partner. In other words, changes in perception follow changes in behavior. If you and your partner feel mired in ongoing problems that never get better, check out the following advice:

1. Banish self-righteousness. You and your spouse may have a very different perception of what’s wrong with your marriage. Acknowledge and accept this fact instead of trying to be right or demanding that a spouse accept your version of the problem as the only truth.

2. Make a small change - any change. Instead of blaming your partner and waiting for him to change, take the ball and run with it. Do one thing differently - your partner will have to react to it, most likely in a responsive, supportive way. This is not to say that only you have to change, but you can effect change by initiating it.

3. Identify what’s different about the time when you are happy - and do more of that. Kylie made an offhand comment that, in the few days since she had called to make an appointment, things were a little bit better. When she thought about what exactly was better, she realized she’d been forcing herself to calm down and pick her battles with Tim. The realization that her marriage might end forced Kylie to recognize when she’s angry and bite her tongue or leave the room and calm down before speaking.

In fact, little by little, Kylie began to show Tim her tender side - by giving him a kiss in the morning before he left for the rink, remembering to speak in a calm, less volatile voice, and to ask his opinion before issuing orders. Tim was flabbergasted but responsive. As his confidence grew, he felt more comfortable sharing his ideas and feelings with Kylie instead of clamming up and letting her run the show. He’s also taken a more active role in parenting and helping around the house. And he has discovered how to set limits.