Follow Signs Marked ‘Exit’

By off-season, one-third of NFL teams could change coaches. This means two things: There will be a lot of new faces next year on the sideline and in the studio. (General managers scan the waiver wire for players; NBC Sports execs surf ESPNews for analysts.) But The Man - insufferably schooled in this area in intensely personal matters - firmly believes that bad news should be dispatched as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Thus, the following coaches are asked to turn in their blackboards and blocking sleds ASAP:

Rick Venturi, Saints (2-43-1 over last 46 games): On the average, this guy wins a game EVERY OTHER YEAR. Venturi is to good coaching what Velveeta is to good cooking. In this world nothing is certain but death, taxes and the inability of any Venturi team to ever outscore any non-Venturi team.

Rich Kotite, Jets (4-29 over last 33 games): He loses when he’s behind, he loses when he’s ahead, he loses when he’s behind and ahead. CBS is showing “Titanic” on Sunday; if you look closely enough, you’ll see Kotite next to George C. Scott, wiping his glasses off.

Rich Brooks, Rams (5-15 over last 20 games): He rolled up 59 points last week against the torpid Falcons, figuring it would help him with the bowl alliance. Brooks couldn’t boil an egg if you spotted him the water and the egg.

Mike White, Raiders (4-12 over last 16 games): Supposedly a protege of Bill Walsh and the West Coast offense, White is more reminiscent of James Watt and the crankshaft steam engine. Some men are born to lead; others, frankly, are born to nap.

Bruce Coslet, Bengals (3-0 over last three games): For a first-time gambler, the worst thing that can happen is to pull a slot machine lever and see coins tumbling out; you’re forever hooked to a game you cannot win. For Bengals fans, Coslet’s three cherries inexorably will turn into a series of lemons.

Footnote: Nobody touches Wayne Fontes. Not on my watch.

As usual, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Packers at Cowboys (-3): Here’s the latest e-mail from my brainy and beautiful nieces, Jennifer, 13, and Lisa, 11: “Dear Uncle Man, History’s for historians, gambling’s for gamblers. Dallas, schmallas. Green Bay’s the better team - and getting points. Load up on the Packers now and buy us better gifts later!” I’m so proud of these girls, who are The Women of tomorrow. Pick: Packers.

Vikings at Raiders (-6-1/2): When Raiders officials quizzed K Cole Ford about missing a critical 28-yard field goal last week, he gave them a cock-and-bull story about “my foot falling asleep.” … To spur lagging sales, Raiders’ PSLs now come with seat cushions. Pick: Vikings.

Panthers (-2-1/2) at Rams: At Carolina’s sold-out Ericsson Stadium last Sunday night, there were precisely zero no-shows. How is this possible? One, everyone wants to see a second-year expansion team that’s Super Bowl-bound; two, Target closes at 7 p.m. Pick: Panthers.

Seahawks at Lions (-6): NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue cut short meeting with Lions defensive line coach John Teerlinck to allow Teerlinck to get back in time to watch “WCW Monday Nitro.” Pick: Seahawks.

Bengals at Bills (-7): If Bruce Coslet starts 4-0, I will balance a Wilson football on the tip of my nose while juggling a hockey puck, a chain saw and Al Del Greco. Pick: Bills.

Redskins at Eagles (-6): Redskins’ practice facility now includes “Virtual Reality Field” in which defense can simulate actually making tackles. Pick: Redskins.

Ravens at 49ers (-12): Memo to San Francisco mayor Willie Brown: “Vous ne connaissez rien du football. Allez donc voir un film de Jerry Lewis.” Pick: 49ers.

Broncos at Patriots (-2-1/2): If Jerry Stiller can portray Vince Lombardi, you’ve got to figure George Wendt is good to go as Bill Parcells. Pick: Broncos.

Bears at Chiefs (-9): Encouraged by election results, Bears staff now focusing on “building a bridge to the 21-yard line.” Pick: Chiefs.

Saints at Falcons (-4): The FBI announced Richard Jewell is not (repeat: NOT) a suspect in Falcons’ game plan development. Pick: Falcons.

Dolphins at Oilers (-3): Dolphins WR Randal Hill suffered neck injury practicing his whip-around glare at refs. Pick: Dolphins.

Jets at Colts (-6-1/2): To reflect current team status, Colts’ logo now a horseshoe in a splint. Pick: Colts.

Jaguars at Steelers (-11): Bad sign: Tim Conway showing up on Steelers game films. Pick: Jaguars.

Buccaneers at Chargers (-7-1/2): Chargers to go with Hail Mary ON OPENING DRIVE. Pick: Chargers.

Giants at Cardinals (-2): Yeah, right. Pick: Giants.

Last week: 7-7-1.

Season record: 71-77-1.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist