My Higher Pay Causes Resentment

“Gary and I seem like strangers now,” began 33-year-old Dawn, newly appointed vice president of a real estate agency. “We’ve been married for 12 years, but ever since I started making more money - my salary is three times what he brings home as a social worker in a halfway house - Gary’s been withdrawn, moody and distant.” Dawn is eager to start a family, but Gary finds every excuse to avoid making love.

Dawn adds, “He’ll tell you our troubles are all my fault, that I’m no longer the carefree college student he fell in love with. He calls me stuffy and bossy.”

She admits there’s some truth in his assessment. As newlyweds they both enjoyed backpacking and riding motorcycles, living a while on her secretary’s salary, saving Gary’s for a six-month adventure in Europe. “When we returned home, my wanderlust was satisfied. Obviously, Gary’s wasn’t,” she notes.

Ironically, Gary’s zest for adventure attracted Dawn to him initially. “His life seemed so exciting compared to mine,” she recalls. “My childhood was nothing but hard work.” The oldest of four children, Dawn shouldered many parenting responsibilities at age 10 when her father deserted her mother.

Gary, 35, is furious at Dawn’s inability to see how much she has changed as well as her blaming their marital problems on his jealousy of her success. “That’s ridiculous,” he snaps angrily. “I’m not afraid of a successful woman. When she received her promotion I was thrilled. We celebrated with champagne.”

What he can’t stand, however, is the arrogant way Dawn treats him. “Ever since her promotion, we’ve been fighting constantly, ” Gary says. “I don’t think she’s even aware that she barks orders like a general.” She’s become so domineering, Gary can hardly stand her.

“We were so happy when we lived a simple life,” Gary says. But now Dawn wants a big house and lots of of home improvements. “There’s no room for fun in our lives anymore,” Gary notes.

He adds that Dawn no longer supports his dedication to helping others, as she did in the beginning, but instead finds fault with everything he does and doesn’t do.

Drifting apart: Time for value check

“It’s not uncommon for couples like Dawn and Gary, who fell in love when they were young, to find that their goals and dreams no longer seem in sync as the years go by,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York marriage and sex therapist. Indeed, every marriage has periods in which these things clash, Greer says.

Dawn assumed their life would follow a certain course and resented roadblocks Gary seemed to be throwing in the way of her happiness. Gary didn’t mean to make Dawn unhappy, but he had a different idea of how he wanted to live his life. Dawn’s constant criticism made him feel worthless and unimportant.

When partners find themselves drifting apart, a values check may help. The following exercise helped Dawn and Gary realize they still had much in common. That established, they appreciated each other again and worked out their differences.

Below is a list of dreams and expectations. On separate sheets of paper, write down which ones are important to you, adding others that aren’t included.

Compare lists and ask: How many goals and visions do you share? Why are these expectations important? Where are you at odds? Why do you think your partner doesn’t share your vision? What keeps you from meeting each other’s expectations?

Afterward you may find, like Dawn and Gary, that you share more expectations than you thought, but that you may have different ways of achieving those goals. That revelation can give you the security and confidence to work through your differences.

Common expectations in marriage

We will start a family.

We will make enough money to support a family, save for a house and for our children’s education.

We will include each other in our activities.

We will listen to each other’s feelings.

We will want the same things.

We will be interested in the things that interest me.

We will never do anything to hurt or threaten each other.

We will express our feelings openly.

We will be faithful to each other.