Sorry, But It Plays Both Ways

Dear Ann Landers: A while back, you had a survey in which husbands overwhelmingly stated they would not be willing to give up “the act.” Women overwhelmingly expressed a preference for merely being held tenderly.

Now comes “Frustrated in New Orleans,” a sexually famished husband who says that just as a man has certain household duties, sex should be a woman’s household duty in marriage. This plea for symmetry went over like a rubber crutch. You promptly bashed the poor, unsuspecting slob, telling him the whole thing was his fault.

I have walked in “Frustrated’s” shoes for several miles. My wife lost interest in sex after our two children were born. Ten years in a completely celibate marriage was too much. We got counseling. It didn’t work, so we sold the house and are getting a divorce.

I know many men who have the same story to tell. My single male friends get all the sex they want while my married male friends are desperate for it. And I don’t think you are helping matters much by telling these men that it’s their fault and that their marital duties are ironclad and unconditional, but their wives’ duties are optional. In my view, Ann, women have unilaterally rewritten the marriage contract in their favor and are demanding that men sign it. No soap here, sister. - Been There and Done That in Dallas

Dear Dallas: If you were sitting in my chair and reading my mail, you would know that the percentage of sexually “underserved” among marrieds is about 50-50, male and female. I’ve often thought it would be wonderful if I could do a little “mixing and matching,” but of course, that’s out of the question. Although I’ve been tempted, I have a strict policy of never putting together readers who are interested in romance.

Dear Ann Landers: My 65-year-old, widowed father remarried and lived with his new wife, “Greta,” for five years until he died. Greta was four years younger than Dad and has seven grown children. They were financial equals when they married.

Dad always told me and my four siblings that we were provided for in his will. When he died, however, we learned from Greta that he had changed his will six months before and left her everything, including a sizable amount of money. Although we were startled by Dad’s change of heart, none of us thought it was appropriate to question this or protest.

Now, five years later, Greta is talking about remarrying. My sister wants to know if Greta will provide for us in her will to make certain that Dad’s money does not become mingled with the new husband’s. She also wants to be sure that Dad’s investments are managed wisely.

I am uncomfortable asking Greta about this. I think when Dad changed his will, that was the time to discuss future plans. Since no such discussion took place, I believe we have no business asking Greta to do anything unless she offers.

What do you say, Ann? My siblings and I are all adults and not dependent on this money. If you say it’s OK to talk to Greta about this, how should we bring it up? - Wondering in Washington state

Dear Wondering: The money your dad left his second wife belongs to her. Whether or not she remarries has no relevance to her inheritance.

Too bad your dad didn’t make specific bequests to his children.