You Need To Work This Through

Dear Nancy: I had this dream a week after I visited my father in Seattle. My mother died 11-1/2 years ago after being ill for two years. Our relationship was difficult and I didn’t visit her in the hospital or talk with her much at all. This dream has haunted me since I had it. - Barb

I am visiting my father in his home. Other close family members are there with us. Suddenly, I see my mother’s casket in the middle of the living room. The lid is open and the family is casually looking at her. I refuse to look, shielding my eyes with my hand. I tell my husband to close the coffin because it smells. I ask him if she is bad from all the years in the ground and he answers, “No.” My daughter looks in the coffin and gags.

Someone sits my mom up in her coffin, but I still won’t look. I go into the kitchen and begin to cook chicken (Mom always cooked chicken on Sundays). My husband comes in and announces, “Mom’s here. Come and say hello.” I tell him to get her out and away from the house. I am upset now and crying.

Then I am back in the living room. They are trying to close the lid on the casket, but it won’t close. They carry the casket out of the house and put it in the back of a pickup truck. I am sobbing now and hold the end of the casket. I kiss it and tell her I love her and miss her so much. I’m still crying when I wake up.

Dear Barb: This dream was probably triggered by your visit with your father in your childhood home. On the phone, you shared with me that you never really let yourself grieve the loss of your mother and that you still feel guilty for the way you treated her. Dreams such as these come to remind us of unfinished emotional issues so that they can be resolved.

In the beginning of the dream you are unwilling to look at your mother. Your head is turned and you shield your eyes. This shows your unwillingness to face her death. You wanted the lid down, the smell to go away, and her out of the house.

Houses in dreams generally symbolize the self and your mother is in the middle of the living room, a place where she can’t be ignored or avoided. Had she been in the basement or a back room instead, it would have suggested that the issue of her death was somewhat less immediate and urgent.

The open coffin suggests that this issue is still an open one and needs closure.

In the kitchen scene, you are cooking chicken just as your mother did every Sunday. Did you somehow take over her role as your father’s caretaker? Most of us will have to face the death of a loved one sometime in our life. If we don’t grieve that loss at the time it happens, we will be faced with the anguish and sorrow later on.

I suggest, Barb, that you take some time to look at old pictures of your mother and talk to her or write her a letter telling her how much you love and miss her. Let yourself feel the extent of your pain. Let the tears flow. This will be healing and will bring you some resolution.

This column is intended as entertainment. But psychologists who work with clients’ dreams say that dreams can hold a tremendous amount of significance; a particularly disturbing or repetitive dream may indicate the need to see a therapist.

, DataTimes MEMO: Nancy Huseby Bloom has studied dreams for 16 years. Dreams may be sent to her c/o The Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210-1615, or fax, (509) 459-5098. Please send a short summary of the circumstances in your life and include your name, address and phone number. Due to the volume of mail, Nancy is not able to use every dream. If your dream is not chosen for this column, you can have a personal phone consultation for $30 per dream. Dream work for use in this column is free.