Here’s Our Chance To Be Brit-Royal Fools For A Day
Looking for a new way to raise money, Queen Elizabeth II has decided to do Bill Clinton one better: Instead of renting out nights in the White House, she’s selling shares in the English crown.
Yes, now you truly can be queen for a day.
“With a sense of history uppermost in our mind, we wish to share the traditions of the English monarchy,” the queen said. “We’re even willing to share our dressing gown.”
According to the London Daily Mendicant, Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and assorted Brit-royal properties in the Canary Islands can be rented on a daily basis. One plan involves a luncheon with the queen and then a tour of London homeless shelters with Princess Diana.
For more information, call (800) 555-FOOL.
Loose talk
Elizabeth Taylor on marriage (in Mature Fabler magazine): “I can see myself doing it again. Each of my husbands was my best friend. Mostly, I miss the joy of walking down the aisle.”
Here’s an event we thought we’d never see
Jack Benny turned 40 today.
We always thought there was something fishy going on
Hollywood would collapse tomorrow if the world ran out of silicon. Now comes the shocking news that Tori Spelling, star of “Beverly Hills 90210,” is not really a human being at all. According to the Hollywood Deceiver, Spelling is actually a silicon-based computer creation made in the form of the cartoon character Gary the Sad-Eyed Guppy.
He’s on the links with O.J. looking for that elusive killer
First we had Sonny Bono, the former entertainer whose turn to politics proved that Congress is only an alternative form of entertainment news. Now we have Kato Kaelin, who has announced his intention to run for sheriff of Beverly Hills.
This would be an apt follow-up to ‘Liar, Liar’
Oliver Stone is again rewriting history. He’s announced his intention to write and direct a movie based on the life of Tiny Tim. “His influence is on par with Mother Teresa’s,” Stone told the New York Maligner. Jim Carrey is up for the lead, while, in a case of offbeat casting, Stone has signed Mother Teresa herself to play Tim’s first wife, Miss Vicky.
But, we hear, she simply reattached it and walked on
Totally overcoming her hair-loss tragedy, Princess Caroline of Monaco is now having to deal with a new crisis. The Paris magazine Prevaricator reports that while on a walk with her children near Zermatt, Switzerland, the 40-something princess’ head fell off.
Of course, we already knew this anyway
Finally, in a telephone poll of everyone in the world, the Chicago Equivocator has determined that Uma Thurman is the most beautiful woman in the known universe.
, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 2 Photos
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Compiled by staff writer Dan (April Fool’s Day) Webster