Indulging Isn’t Spoiling

Q. We are grandparents to the world’s most wonderful child, a boy who just turned 2. When his parents leave him with us, which happens at least once a week, we let him do certain things he can’t do in his own home, such as jump from the coffee table to the sofa and jump on Grammy and Grampy’s bed - his two favorite acts of daring.

We also let him have sweets more often than his parents allow or approve of. Otherwise, we draw very clear limits and convey equally clear expectations, and we have no trouble with him at all.

His parents frown on our indulgences, the two just mentioned in particular. They maintain because he can’t do these things in their home, we’re spoiling him and confusing him. Do you think so?

A. Be assured, you are neither spoiling nor confusing your grandchild. Nor are you undoing his parents’ discipline, undermining them, encouraging misbehavior or whatever other accusations those of little experience with children might level at you. Forgive this child’s parents, for they know not of what they speak.

Like most new parents, they take child rearing too seriously, which is far better, for sure, than not taking it seriously enough; nonetheless, it has its pitfalls, one being a failure to fully appreciate the role grandparents can and should play in a child’s life.

As you admit, you are indulging your grandson, not spoiling him, and they are horses of different colors. To indulge is to occasionally allow that which is not generally allowed, to humor someone else’s capricious spirit. Harmlessness is implicit to an indulgence. To spoil, on the other hand, is to allow that which should not be allowed (licentiousness) and/or to give so excessively that the recipient becomes eventually corrupted by greed. My thesaurus lists ruin, harm and impair as synonyms of spoil.

Believe me, your indulgences pose no risk to your grandson’s moral, spiritual or ethical development.

They are truly harmless, as are most of the things loving grandparents are generally known for.

It is your grandson’s parents’ responsibility to teach him he cannot jump on the bed or from the coffee table to the sofa in their home, as it is their responsibility to instill what they regard as reasonable expectations concerning such things as sweets.

The fact you allow a handful or less of things they do not allow is irrelevant; unless, that is, they are looking to pin blame for their own disciplinary failures on someone else, in which case you have become convenient scapegoats.

Keep indulging.

When your grandson’s parents complain, just smile and say, “Yes, we thought the same thing when you were this young, but we later realized your grandparents did you no harm and much good. We hope you’ll say the same of us someday.”

That ought to take the wind out of their sails.

If it doesn’t, then your only recourse is to let your grandson jump on beds and sofas and eat sweet things only when his parents aren’t around to get upset.

There is no secret so delicious as one kept between grandparents and a grandchild.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer