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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

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Koffin Korner

Ralph Kiner is still malapropping along as the Mets’ TV broadcaster. But his “Kiner’s Korner” feature is no longer on cable in Philadelphia, which Inquirer baseball maven Jayson Stark calls “a travesty of broadcasting justice.”

So Stark compensated by issuing a list of his favorite Kinerisms. An abridged version:

Ralph calling himself “Ron Kiner” and “Ralph Korner” in the same broadcast.

Ralph the Freudian slipster announcing: “We’ll be back after this word from Manufacturer’s Hangover.”

Ralph the name-change surgeon calling Martina Navratilova “Martina Natravlotina” and Dann Bilardello “Dann Bordello.”

Ralph the charmer hosting a wives edition of “Kiner’s Korner” in 1962 and complimenting two Mets wives for their attire and hair styles, then turning to manager Casey Stengel’s wife, Edna, and saying: “You look lovely today, too, Mrs. Stengel. What happened?”

Newman!

Tiger Woods could prove to be a big benefactor for a small Kansas college, without his knowledge.

Two golf balls autographed by the new Masters champion will be featured at an auction to benefit Kansas Newman College, a Roman Catholic school in Wichita.

It turns out that 76-year-old Sister Margaret was in charge of lining up celebrities for a May 3 auction and golf tournament to raise money for the school’s scholarship fund.

While on a retreat in Cincinnati last month, she was visited by her sister and a friend named Betty, whose neighbor had caddied for “some golfer named Tiger Woods.”

Sister Margaret wondered if the neighbor would contribute something to the auction. He did: two golf balls autographed by Woods.

One of Sister Margaret’s colleagues said last week, “If he wins the Masters, this will really be worth something.”

Yes. It’s the only item Woods has ever touched that doesn’t have a Swoosh on it.

Maybe they’ll rename it Tush Stadium

Montreal second baseman Mike Lansing stripped down to his jock strap and blue socks to shag fly balls in center field during a recent voluntary workout in St. Louis. His stunt just happened to coincide with a tour group passing through Busch Stadium.

“He’s my puppet,” Montreal catcher Darrin Fletcher said. “He’ll do anything I ask him to do.”

Let’s just hope he’s not a hand puppet.

WHYADUK?

Check out the freeways in Orange County and it’s obvious motorists have a case of DUKFEVR.

Of the 1.8 million personalized plates in California, 2,111 mention DUX, DUK or DUCK, according to state records - and you have to figure most belong to fans of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

Peter Caruso of Irvine remembers going to the DMV and only being able to get his fifth choice - MITYDUK. When Caruso went back to pluralize his plate to represent the whole flock, he was out of luck.

No word whether the driver with RUBRDUK on his plates is a hockey fan, though it could be a puck reference.

The last word …

“Blessed are the Bears without a No. 1 draft choice. An alibi in the hand is worth two in the second round.”

- Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo