Living With Ocd Hard, Not Hopeless
“I can’t live with Kenny one more day,” says Susan, 37, a full-time homemaker and mother of two girls, 10 and 8. Her husband of 12 years has always had his quirks, Susan admits.
However, lately, Kenny’s behaviour has become increasingly odd. He gets panic attacks and is convinced he’s on the verge of a heart attack despite reassurances by his doctor.
He is compulsive about almost everything: He checks and rechecks locked windows at night; he won’t eat leftovers out of fear of food poisoning; he has become overly protective of his daughters and will not let them out of his sight.
Susan is at her wits’ end. Talking about it turns into bitter fighting or else Kenny leaves or ignores her. “If I try to talk to him he gets defensive and we’ve been fighting bitterly,” she says. Other times, he disappears into the den and ignores her. Finally, she gave him an ultimatum: Find a psychiatrist - or a new apartment.
Kenny, 39, is furious. “I don’t particularly appreciate being psychoanalyzed by my wife,” he snaps. The trouble is, Kenny doesn’t know what’s wrong either. “Sometimes I feel I’m going out of my mind. It’s hard to explain these anxiety attacks. I can’t pinpoint when or why they happen.”
Once Is Not Enough: Living with OCD
Kenny suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD, says Linda Pulvermacher, MSW, a marriage and family therapist in Dix Hills, N.Y.
OCD is an anxiety disorder whose symptoms and severity range from the relatively mild to the truly crippling. An estimated 6 million people, men as well as women, suffer from OCD many of them in silence because their odd behavior puzzles, frightens and shames them.
Doctors still do not fully understand what causes OCD, though recent studies have linked it to a lack of the brain chemical serotonin. It’s also believed that the predisposition to OCD is inherited. In fact, as Kenny discussed his childhood, Pulvermacher was struck by the fact that both of his parents displayed similar symptoms. Some victims, like Kenny, are in such distress that they can only get relief by engaging in ritualistic behaviors. However, since the relief never lasts, they feel compelled to repeat their actions over and over again.
Like most victims, Kenny was angry that his wife couldn’t understand his problem, secretly ashamed that he was unable to control his strange behaviors and unable to figure out how a good marriage had become so untenable. On some level, Kenny knew he was also responsible for his share of the problems in the marriage, but for a long time, he was unable to admit it.
The key to saving this or any marriage, in which one partner has a psychological problem that is affecting the relationship, lies in helping both partners understand the nature of the illness. If someone you love is a victim of OCD, keep the following in mind:
1. Don’t be judgmental about a partner’s behavior. Accept it as the best he or she can do right now. Once Susan understood the medical basis for her husband’s strange behaviors, her attitude toward him softened as did her harangues. They were able to break the “I’m right, you’re wrong” sparring by listening and responding to each other’s feelings with genuine concern and a desire to hear each other out.
2. Try to see ritualistic or controlling behaviors as a sign that your partner is trying to cope. They will lessen - in time. Never criticize or humiliate a partner for his behaviors; your job is to boost his self-esteem and confidence with his own coping abilities, not tear him down. Kenny began taking an anti-anxiety medication called Anafranil, which helped, as did behavior modification techniques and visualization.
3. Maintain a calm atmosphere at home. People with OCD don’t handle change or shift gears if necessary. Also, make sure your demands are reasonable and your expectations appropriate.
4. Don’t hide from the world. Make sure you both reconnect with family and friends. If necessary, carve out time and activities for yourself - away from your spouse - to re-energize.
5. Encourage your spouse to channel energy into exercise programs, such as swimming, jogging or dancing. Physical activity is more likely to calm a person down than talking about his worries.
Slowly, Kenny has gained confidence and though he still gets anxious, he no longer has full-blown panic.