Mom May Be In Denial
Dear Ann Landers: Here’s the situation. My mother, an attractive woman in her mid-50s, has been living with a man for 10 years. “Sam” told her he was divorced but puts off discussing getting married. In recent years, Mom has quit working because Sam supports her.
The truth is that Sam is still married to his first wife. I found out accidentally seven years ago when I saw Sam driving around town with her when he was supposed to be out of state on business. I told Mom I had seen him, and she became very upset with me and said, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” After that, I decided I wouldn’t interfere.
Sam frequently “works” on holidays. I know it hurts her that he is away, but it kills me that she defends him, constantly making excuses for his absences on her birthday, Christmas and so on. She insists that he is very important to his company and that no one else can do his job. I know he is actually spending the holiday weekend with his wife, kids and grandchildren right here in town because I have seen him.
I get very angry and frustrated with Mom for not seeing the obvious. At the same time, I know how much her pride would be damaged if she actually had to acknowledge the situation. Is there any way I can help Mom get out of this no-win relationship without making her angry with me? - No Name, No City
Dear N.N., N.C.: It should be apparent to you that your mom is in deep denial about this relationship. I’m sure the rational side of her brain knows what’s going on, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Abandon your efforts to save her. She doesn’t wish to be “saved.”
Dear Ann Landers: I’m sure there are many women like myself who have diminished in height as they have become older, particularly if they are coping with osteoporosis, as I am. It is depressing to be constantly aware of one’s diminishing size, and it certainly doesn’t help one’s morale when an acquaintance you haven’t seen for a while comes up to you and says, real friendly-like, “You are so short - are you shrinking or what?”
That person would never go up to someone who has gained weight and say, “Wow, you sure are getting fat,” or say to a person who is losing his hair, “Gee, you’re really going bald.”
I’d feel a lot better if they would just greet me with “Hi, how are you?” and go on to something else. What should I do when people say such things to me? - Shorter in Luverne, Minn.
Dear Luverne: Smile sweetly, and reply, “I’m glad to have lived long enough to shrink a little. If you are lucky, it will happen to you, too.”
Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I attended a party in the home of some new acquaintances. I am embarrassed to tell you I had too much to drink and cannot remember much about the evening. My husband said I “talked too much,” and he refused to say more. I have a vague hunch that I insulted the hostess’ sister.
We will be seeing the same couples again soon. Should I phone the hostess now and apologize? I really am embarrassed. Please advise. - N.Y. Reader Dear N.Y.: Don’t call. Apologies for drunken behavior are awkward and don’t accomplish much. Apparently, when you drink, your brain goes on furlough and your mouth goes on active duty. Better vow to stick to ginger ale, and you will avoid such problems in the future.