No Way Ann Makes These Up

Dear Ann Landers: I’ve been reading your column for many years, and every now and then, I detect a letter I believe you “invented” to add a little excitement. The one about the condom that whistles “Dixie” strained credibility. Funny, yes, but it certainly was too far out to be genuine. You invented that one, didn’t you? How about ‘fessing up? - Toledo Reader

Dear Toledo: There is no way I could make up letters that compare with what crosses my desk every day. I wouldn’t even try. Keep reading for one that should clear the air regarding “Dixie.”

Dear Ann Landers: I read your column about the tune-playing condom in the San Francisco Examiner & Chronicle. I am the attorney who obtained the patent for my client, Paul Lyons, who invented it.

I have one minor correction. You stated that the patent was “recently issued.” Actually, the patent was issued in 1992. Sincerely yours - David Pressman, intellectual property law, San Francisco, Calif.

Dear David Pressman: I stand corrected. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to write. I have received dozens of suggestions for tunes that would be “appropriate,” but none were suitable for a family newspaper.

Dear Ann Landers: I have wrestled all my life with this question, and I hope you can provide an answer. What is God’s name? The Jews say the real name has been lost to the ages. The Christians call him Jesus. The Muslims call him Allah, and the AA crowd chooses “Higher Power.” So, what is it? - Bluegrass Believer in Nicholasville, Ky.

Dear Nicholasville: This response is from a Chicago Jesuit: According to ancient Hebrew teachings, God is omnipotent, so he cannot be contained in any one name. I assure you, however, he (or she) will answer to any name you respectfully come up with.

Dear Ann Landers: I am a Middle-America, Wisconsin teenager who has grown up reading your column. I would like to say something about people who take their own lives. You dealt with this recently and it made me remember something that happened in our town last April. One of my fellow classmates committed suicide.

The girl was only 13 years old and in the seventh grade. She thought her parents hated her and decided life wasn’t worth living, so she killed herself. The whole school and half the people who live in Wausau, Wis., mourned for weeks. People who barely knew her felt terrible.

Ann, please tell your readers that suicide is never the answer. Sign me - Thirteen is Too Young to Die

Dear Thirteen: Thank you for a thoughtful and compassionate letter. You are wise beyond your years. I have been telling my readers for a very long time that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and invariably creates more problems for the survivors.

Dear Ann Landers: I was upset by that rude reader who said she didn’t want to read another boring “how we met” letter. Well, too bad. We love those romantic stories, especially when we hear that half of all marriages today end in divorce. Those “how we met” letters in your column give us hope. Ignore that grouch. - Boston

Dear Boston: I intend to. Thanks for the encouragement.