Healthy Boundaries Allow Differences

“I love Chet. I’ve just about lost all respect for him,” says Christine, 29, who works as a nurse in a doctor’s office three days a week so she can be home with her two small sons. Though her husband is a top-notch features photographer, he has spent the last three years working for a studio that sends him to cover assignments that bore him to tears.

“Chet hates the work and he’s paid next to nothing for all his time and effort. In fact, his meager expense account rarely covers his actual expenses.

“Over and over again,” Christine continues, “Chet’s boss promises him a raise, but we never see a penny. And Chet is afraid to stand up and ask for reasonable compensation.”

“The boss is an old family friend,” Christine adds, “but that doesn’t mean he should be allowed to take advantage of Chet’s easygoing nature.” But Chet’s boss isn’t the only one her husband kowtows to, Christine says.

“Sally, Chet’s adoptive mother, a friend of his mother’s, is forever butting into our business,” Christine says. “I know she raised Chet since he was 12 - Chet’s parents died in a car crash - but that doesn’t mean we have to drop everything to be with her or do things for her.”

When they first married, they lived with Sally for three years to save money, but Christine is now convinced the real reason was Chet simply couldn’t say no. Now that they’ve moved to their own home, Sally has keys and drops by whenever she wants to.

“One Sunday afternoon, when the boys were taking a nap, Chet and I were in the bedroom, and she walked right in,” Christine fumes. “I demanded that he ask her for the keys back, and he flatly refused.”

“According to Christine, I’ve made a mess of everything,” says the 39-year-old Chet, a broad-shouldered, blond six-footer.

“She’s probably right. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to end up in the wrong. But I wish she’d show a little more faith in me.”

“Christine seems to forget,” he adds, “that we owe Sally a lot. When we first married and could barely make ends meet, she pretty much supported us and let us live in her home until we saved enough to buy our own.”

What’s more, Chet knows that Harry, his boss, is not the kind of guy who can be pressured.

“He’ll eventually remember that he promised me a raise and a better traveling allowance,” Chet says.”

Chet wants to handle things his own way - and the more Christine berates him, the angrier he becomes.

Chet can’t imagine living without Christine, but if he has to put up with her constant criticism, he doesn’t want to live with her.

Saving a marriage by drawing boundaries

“These two may never see eye-to-eye on life circumstances, but that doesn’t mean they can’t learn to live with their differences,” says Charles C. Bray, Ph.D., a marital therapist. One way to do that is, paradoxically, to establish healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw for ourselves, those we love or work with, that say, in effect: “This is what I can do for you; this is what I expect of you; this is what I will accept from you.”

Many people, Chet in particular, don’t understand that it is healthy and appropriate to draw these lines in every relationship. Unless you do, you run the risk of losing your identity and feeling forever at the mercy of others.

Here’s how Chet and Christine learned to draw clear lines for each other and how you can do the same to strengthen your self-esteem and your marriage:

Remember that you’re on the same team.

When tension peaks, it helps to remind yourself that your spouse is probably just as upset as you are, but he may be seeing and dealing with the issues in other ways.

Remember that you are both entitled to your individual feelings and have every right to speak up.

Your partner can’t read your mind, so if you want him to know how you feel and where you draw your lines, you must tell him in a way he can understand. Speaking up is not the same as sandbagging a partner with your opinions or criticism, however.

Keep in mind that it is healthy, even necessary, to say no to unacceptable or inappropriate behavior.

It’s understandable that Chet feels grateful to Sally, but he owes it to Christine - and ultimately to his marriage - to ask her nicely to respect their privacy and not to force her opinions or ways of doing things on them.