It’s Been ‘Woe Be Unto Us’ Ever Since

The following arrived over the Internet. I share it for what it’s worth:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every kind of living thing.

“I’m ordering you to build an ark,” said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications: Three hundred cubits by 50 cubits, 30 cubits high, constructed of gopher wood, with a door on the side thereof.

“OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“In six months it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “For 40 days and 40 nights. You better get to work, or learn how to tread water for a very long time.”

And six months passed. The skies clouded, and rain began to fall.

The Lord came to check on the project, and saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord. “Where is the ark?” He caused a lightning bolt to strike near Noah’s feet, for emphasis.

“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best. But I ran into big problems. First, I had to get a building permit. And your plans didn’t meet the county code. So I had to get an engineer to redraw them. Then I got into a fight over whether or not the ark needed a sprinkler system.

“Then my neighbors objected. They claimed I was violating zoning by building an ark in my front yard. So I had to get a variance from the planning commission. I had to wait a month on that.

“Next I had a big problem getting gopher wood to build the ark because there was a ban on cutting gopher trees because a spotted owl used one for a roost. I had to convince the Fish and Wildlife Service I needed the wood to save the owls, and that took a long time.

“After that I got into trouble with the city because I’d planned to paint the ark’s roof red. The city ordinance said it had to be green, so I had to reorder.

“Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.

“When I started gathering up the animals I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me I couldn’t build the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map. I sent them a globe.

“Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Commission over how many Canaanites I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m building the ark so I can use it to leave the country and avoid paying taxes. And yesterday I got a notice from the state about a use tax.

“Lord, I just don’t believe I can finish the ark for at least another five years,” Noah said.

The sky began to clear. The rain stopped. A rainbow arched. The sun began to shine.

Noah was greatly relieved.

“Lord,” he cried hopefully, “have you really decided you’re not going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and destroy the Earth as we know it?”

“Oh, I still intend to smite the Earth and the inhabitants thereof,” said the Lord. “But I shall not do it with a flood. I will do it with something much worse. Something that man himself has invented.”

“Lord, Sir, Ruler of the Universe,” cried Noah, falling to his knees and trembling, “What is this terrible thing that man has invented?”

There was a long pause. Then a single word issued forth from the mouth of the Lord.

“Government.”

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