Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Sun., Dec. 14, 1997

This president already has too many pets

Why does President Clinton need a new puppy? He already has Socks the Cat and Janet the Lap Dog.

People need them for driving alone to work

The nations of the world met in Kyoto and hammered out a historic accord on greenhouse emissions. The only question they couldn’t resolve: The Chevy Suburban glut in Spokane.

He is no longer a swingin’ playboy assassin

Carlos the Jackal went on trial in Paris this week. He is now a pudgy, middle-aged drunk, so his new nickname is Carlos the Jackass.

Brighten up someone’s Christmas, at a booth near you

Please, during this Yuletide season, give a generous Christmas tip to those workers who face an uncertain economic future. I am referring to the exotic dancers at Ms. Kitty’s.

Things are quieter underfoot at Arlington National Cemetery

The Larry Lawrence controversy at Arlington National Cemetery ended this week when his widow decided to remove his remains. He never would have gotten any rest anyway, with all of those veterans turning in their graves.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.

Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.

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