Children Under 5 Need A Mother’s Nurturing

Q: I am a professional male who has been in a doomed relationship for a long time. My wife has told me for the past year that she no longer loves me.

We’ve been in counseling, with her insisting that I should “wait a while” and she might fall back in love with me. I’ve reached a point where I am unwilling to do this any longer. We have three lovely children, ages 2, 4 and 6, whom I dearly love. I’m proposing joint custody, a one week on, one week off kind of thing, so as not to disrupt school. My wife wants sole custody. What’s your opinion on each side of this custody issue?

A. Kids benefit from having both parents take an active part in their lives.

Joint custody provides for both parents participation in decisions regarding health and educational choices. Your wife’s preference for sole custody serves her needs, not the kids’.

The decision about how much time kids spend with each parent is one parents can work out, or, if they’re unable to reach agreement, will be determined by a judge.

I believe kids under 5 should spend the primary amount of time with their mother. Nature has built in a bonding glue designed to attach young kids to a primary caretaker. If mom is capable of nurturing and placing the kids’ needs first, she should be that person.

When kids reach school age, they can adjust more easily to shifting their emotional attachments. You might consider a different length visit for different age kids.

The challenge for kids who shuffle between parents, is to get through the experience of separating from one parent and reattaching to the other. Not an easy assignment, especially for younger kids.

One system of sharing is to divide the time into longer periods, such as two weeks with mom, and one week with dad. This gives you the opportunity to be a school-week parent, rather than just a weekend dad, but minimizes the shifting back and forth.

Your wife’s attitude about your relationship and her desire to have sole custody sound self-indulgent. If she puts the kids’ needs first, she should realize they benefit from having you actively participate in their lives, which joint custody reinforces.

Q. Our 21-year-old daughter recently moved back home after a very unsuccessful experience living with her boyfriend.

She had to borrow money on her car to pay the rent, and worst of all told us her boyfriend “knocked her around a little.” We were stunned. We couldn’t imagine our daughter being stupid enough or so lacking in self-esteem to put up with this kind of treatment. Apparently her boyfriend didn’t pay his share of living costs, which resulted in her getting in a huge financial hole. Now, she sees that he lied to her all along. Should we pay off her debts, credit cards, phone bills, etc.? How can we ensure she won’t hook up with another loser who abuses her?

A. The best investment you can make is to pay for her counseling. She needs to develop the ability to see a partner clearly, and to learn to recognize her problem of accepting too readily what she is told.

She needs to strengthen her self-esteem and her enjoyment of being independent. Emotional neediness can cloud one’s perception of a partner.

Don’t pay off her bills, but help her work out a payment plan. Financial independence reinforces emotional independence.

Here are some questions to help recognize potentially abusive partners: Does he/she make promises that go unfulfilled? Does he/she want you to stay away from family or friends? Are you afraid to disagree? Do you have to report your every activity?

These are signs of an excessive need to control, which carry a warning to anyone evaluating a potential partner. A healthy relationship requires compromise, but not surrendering total control.

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