Not A Good Gift For A Surprise

Dear Readers: The letter I printed about the condom that whistles “Dixie” has taken on a life of its own. It seems the subject refuses to die. The following letter came from Washington, D.C.:

Dear Ann: I read with great interest the letter about the prophylactic that plays “Dixie” when in use. You wondered how that thing worked.

As an intellectual property lawyer, I took it upon myself to learn more about this intriguing invention. Enclosed you will find a copy of the patent issued in November 1992 to an inventor from Massachusetts. I will not attempt to get into the mechanics involved, but “Dixie” isn’t the only thing it can play. The inventor has stated that the message or music “may warn, compliment, stimulate, entertain or surprise the couple.”

Several specific examples of voiced messages included a warning about safe sex and a compliment to the couple for using a condom. Suitable melodies that can be heard emanating from the condom are Tchaikovsky’s “The 1812 Overture,” “Happy Birthday to You” and “The Anniversary Waltz.”

In answer to your question about sales north of the Mason-Dixon Line, Ann, I suspect that they are selling like hot cakes if the product can play “Yankee Doodle.” Yours truly - Jeffrey A. Wolfson, Washington, D.C.

Dear Jeffrey Wolfson: Thanks for the update.

And now, dear readers, please, no more letters asking me to sell you the musical condoms. Nor can I tell you where they can be purchased. I am not in the condom business and am not interested in facilitating sales.

Here’s a final word to the men who are planning to purchase this gadget: I hope you will not attempt to surprise your partner with this thing. She would be startled out of her wits, and the mood of the moment most certainly would be shattered.

Dear Ann Landers: You are right to encourage battered women to leave their spouses. My ex-husband became physically and verbally abusive when I refused to drink with him. His family had never seen that side of him and couldn’t understand why I insisted on a divorce and full custody of our three children. He never contested it.

When I left my husband, the children were 4 months, 6 and 9. I moved 600 miles away, leaving behind everything that couldn’t be carried. I’ve never regretted it.

I had never worked at a full-time, decent-paying job in my life and had no assets, not even a car. Within two years, I had purchased our first home, owned a used car and had taken my kids on their very first vacation. Five years later, I bought a second, larger home, which will be paid for in another four years. My oldest daughter is in graduate school, my second is working on her undergraduate degree, and my son is a high school senior. I think we have done quite well.

Even my ex-husband’s family can see that my decision was the right one, especially since they’ve had him underfoot full time. He is still drinking heavily and probably will die that way. Believe me when I say all the therapy in the world will not benefit a person who doesn’t want to be helped.

People need to trust their instincts. If the situation feels wrong, it probably is. Thank you, Ann, for listening. Writing this letter to you feels as good as a therapy session. - Loyal Fan in Houston

Dear Houston: I hope your testimony will encourage other women who are in abusive situations to do as you did. They can make it on their own, and you proved it.