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He’s NOT kidding

Pulling no punches while suggesting the Chicago Bears not blame their woeful season on quarterback Erik Kramer, Bernie Lincicome of the Chicago Tribune outlined what the Bears are not.

They are not, he wrote, “good tacklers, good blockers, good runners, good defenders, good receivers. The Bears are not quick, not smart, not deep, not ready. And whatever is being done next to fix all of this, quarterback is not the place to start.”

Best of the worst

Outside magazine recently listed five athletic feats that are untouchable - physically impossible, the magazine said.

The five?

1. A sub-2-hour marathon.

2. Swimming the English channel five times consecutively.

3. Surfing a 40-foot wave (without being towed by a jet ski).

4. Cycling 60 kilometers (37.3 miles) in an hour.

5. Running the 100-meter dash in under 9.5 seconds.

In sixth place, barely off the list, was: Fitting into more Victoria’s Secret garments than Marv Albert.

Minnesota has its bird-brains

The pride and excitement generated at the University of Iowa by its participation in the Sun Bowl at El Paso, Texas, on New Year’s Eve, have been tempered by the news of a horrific injury that could affect the football team’s chances against Arizona State: The head of Herky the Hawk, the school mascot, was badly damaged by rough-housing Minnesota band members and has been sent out of state for repairs, leaving fans in Iowa City mascotless.

The plucky mascot was injured in a melee as the Hawkeyes defeated Minnesota on Nov. 22. The two Iowa students who take turns portraying the stout bird said the trouble began in the third quarter, when Minnesota band members picked up the mascot and rammed his head into the goal post. The student was not injured, but Herky’s bulbous head was cracked.

The fourth-quarter Herky reported that trouble flared again after he threw a cup of water at some Minnesota musicians who had been playing Herky’s head as a drum.

Bandsmen charged Herky, tackled him from behind and, in the ensuing wrestling match, further cracked and chipped the 40-year-old cheer-bird’s head.

Minnesota’s Goldie Gopher was not implicated in the aviary assault.

Double the blubber

At last, an event we can put our weight behind. The Clydesdale Open will be held next month at Cincinnati, a doubles-only tennis tournament in which each team must weigh a combined minimum of 425 pounds.

Roy Emerson, who has won more Grand Slam event titles than any other man, told Tennis magazine he loves the event.

“It’s fantastic,” he said. “Where else can you see huge masses of blubber rolling all over a tennis court?”

Mr. Emerson must never have visited Spokane’s Mission Park during the summer.

The last word …

“I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Jerry has the gun and I haven’t taken it from him, but maybe I will.”

- Dallas Cowboys coach Barry Switzer, noting that owner Jerry Jones is the one who will decide his status for next season

, DataTimes