You’ll Do Well To Kill This Idea

Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to Ozzie (not his real name) for 20 years. He’s a good husband and a nice guy, but he does come up with some goofy ideas every now and then.

His latest brainstorm came when he read about a man in South Africa who wanted to find out how his friends really felt about him. This man pretended he had died, put a notice in the paper and arranged with a funeral home to have himself laid out in a casket, surrounded by baskets of flowers, just like the real thing.

He just lay there for several hours and listened to what the people who came for the viewing had to say. He took special note of those who were genuinely grief-stricken and those who didn’t shed any tears or seem sad.

Now Ozzie wants to try this. I told him I thought the idea was totally crazy, plus it would be a pretty darned expensive way to “test friendships.” Ozzie is unconvinced. He asked me to write to you for an opinion. I said I would. What is it? - The Wife of a Nut in San Antonio

Dear Wife: Your signature indicates that you have the situation sized up accurately. Simply calling Ozzie a nut, however, will not accomplish much.

Tell him if he pulls that stunt, nobody will show up at his funeral when he really does die because they won’t believe it. Furthermore, his family members and friends will be so furious when they learn the truth, they may want to kill him. That should dampen his enthusiasm.

Dear Ann Landers: I have learned a lot from your column over the years, and now I’d like to reciprocate by alerting you to a racket that is becoming quite widespread.

Tell your readers to ignore answering-machine or computer e-mail messages that say you have an urgent message about a sick relative or a bill long overdue that must be paid at once. The number you will be instructed to dial will have an 809, 268 or 664 area code.

Be aware that these area codes are not in the United States. They are in the Caribbean. These are long-distance calls and can be expensive because you hear a recorded message that is very long-winded. (Intentionally so, of course.) Do not make this call. It’s a gimmick to run up your phone bills. Sign me - A Sucker No More

Dear No More: Thanks for the caveat. According to AT&T, this is a relatively new scam that benefits certain businesses in the Caribbean that have agreements with certain long-distance carriers.

If you receive a message like this from someone you don’t know or if you have no dealings in the Caribbean, ignore it. If you DO call one of these numbers and get a recorded message, hang up immediately.

If you receive a suspicious message or are a victim of a fraud, call the National Fraud Information Center at 1-800-876-7060.

Gem of the Day: A person who has good judgment knows better than to make fun of religion, politics, race or mothers. A mother never gets hit with a custard pie. Mothers-in-law - yes - but mothers - never. - The late film director Mack Sennett, in The Prairie Rambler

Bonus Gem of the Day: When your dreams turn to dust, you know it’s time to vacuum.

xxxx