We Are Just Total Opposites

“To be honest, I’m beginning to wonder how Randy and I are ever going to stay married,” says Liz, 28, a trial lawyer married three years. “We’re complete opposites, and lately we can’t seem to agree on anything.”

Ever since Randy lost the publishing company job he’d had two years, he and Liz have, in her words, “been at each other’s throats.” She is sure her husband will have a near-impossible time finding a job, especially in his field. “But Randy doesn’t seemed fazed,” she announces. And it’s driving her crazy.

Liz admits to being a worrier from a family of worriers. She wishes Randy would take seriously things important to her, instead of brushing them off or putting her down.

When they first met in grad school, his laid-back, live-and-let-live attitude charmed her. She thought it was an antidote to her seriousness. “He always had a smile on his face and looked on the bright side,” she recalls.

Now, she cringes at their differences. Extroverted Randy, for example, wouldn’t mind going to a large party every weekend night, she notes, describing him as a good mixer socially. As for her, “After a 60-hour work week, I’m happy to curl up on the couch with a book.”

Randy, also 28, wishes his wife would just chill out. “Worry is her middle name,” he says. “It drives me nuts, listening to the long lists of dire things she’s convinced will happen - most of which never do. My feeling is, when a problem comes up, we’ll figure out how to deal with it.”

Randy says Liz used to have a sense of humor about their differences. “We laughed about the fact that we are opposites. But now she’s convinced that because of our different temperaments, we’ll never be able to get along,” he says. “Why do I constantly have to reassure her everything will be okay. We’re married,” he says. “Doesn’t that tell her I love her?”

Opposites attract but can they stay together?

“Many of us marry people who are opposites,” notes Marc Snowman, a New York family therapist. “There’s something captivating and passionate about the jolt you get from such differences.” We’re also attracted to an opposite because he or she makes us feel complete, having strengths or weaknesses that we don’t.

But as Liz and Randy discovered, after the initial romantic whirlwind subsides, living with an opposite is not always easy. The most critical factor is whether your basic values are in sync. Do you both generally agree on how to handle money and the children? Can you trust that your spouse will be there for you - no matter what?

The following do’s and don’t’s can help you reach a meeting ground:

1. Don’t try to change your partner. The only thing you can change is how you feel and react to what he says and does.

2. Don’t be rigid. The only way to live with an opposite is to bend enough so you can accommodate each other’s needs and interests without losing sight of your own.

3. Do work toward a deeper understanding of why your partner sees the world differently. Extroverted Randy must understand that his wife is both tired and shy. While he has no trouble mingling with strangers and cruising a large crowd, she does. He can minimize her anxiety by sticking by her side at a large party, or arranging more intimate gatherings where she can gain social confidence talking with fewer people.

4. Do learn to value your partner’s world. Try to learn more about why your partner acts and reacts the way he does. Once you understand the reason and motivation, you’ll be more sympathetic and more willing to bend to meet him halfway. Once Randy understood that the fact that Liz grew up in a home where family members went from one crisis to another, he was able to see that she needs to prepare for the worst in order to help her face a problem. He became more tolerant of her worrying instead of impatiently cutting her off.

Randy needs to take a page from Liz’ book and check the handwriting on the wall. “She’s right,” he finally admitted. “I didn’t do enough to network and talk to people when the first signs of downsizing at my company appeared a year ago.”

5. Do check out your assumptions when conflict arises. Opposites tend to jump to conclusions too quickly because they’re convinced a partner could not possibly see things their way. Before you do, ask and discuss.

6. Do have a sense of humor. Try to view your spouse’s attributes in a light vein. Learn to laugh at yourself.