You’d Do Well To Extricate Yourself

Dear Nancy: I have been in a relationship with my boss for three years. He lives with his domineering mother. He’s nocturnal and every night goes to the seedy part of town where drugs and prostitutes are, and doesn’t return until morning. I had a detective follow him for three days but he came up with nothing.

The really strange part of our relationship is that we have not had sex. I am in my prime and this causes severe problems. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, and financially takes very good care of me. But I feel I have no real life with him other than work. It seems like I’ve given up my life and I feel vulnerable, stupid, stuck and rejected. - Cheryl

I am in my apartment sleeping when five men come and drag me out of bed kicking and screaming. No one hears me scream. The men drag me outside and put me in a pickup truck. They are all talking but I can’t understand or hear anything they say. They take me to a back alley in a bad part of town and two of them rape me. They gather around me in a circle and one of them puts a .357 Magnum to my head. He cocks the gun and is going to pull the trigger when I wake up.

Dear Cheryl: No wonder you’re having horrible dreams! This relationship is not normal or healthy.

Being raped indicates you feel you are being taken advantage of and that you are losing your energy and sense of power. You feel victimized and helpless. Does this relate to your relationship with this man? How is your sense of self being violated?

The dream characters could represent parts of yourself. Are you assaulting or abusing yourself by staying in this relationship? During our phone conversation, you mentioned the man gave you the .357 Magnum. Are his gifts becoming the very things that may destroy you? Are you staying in this relationship for material gain? If so, how does that hurt you?

I hope you’ll remove yourself from this relationship as quickly as possible. Feeling vulnerable, stupid, stuck and rejected is no way to live. You’ve suffered long enough.

Tips for readers: Have you gone to a dance in your dreams? Did you dance or watch from the sidelines?

If you danced, you are partaking in life, doing your part, sharing your creativity. Standing on the sidelines suggests you may be holding yourself back in some way, not expressing yourself.

Are the dance steps smooth and graceful or clumsy and stiff? Many times dancing dreams can show us how we relate to others and to life in general. Being “off beat” or out of step can signal that you are experiencing difficulty, perhaps feeling awkward in some way.

As always, it is important to note the environment of the dance. Is it taking place in a dark, sleazy location or in a setting that is light, comfortable and open? Who was your dance partner? Someone you desire intimacy with? If not, ask yourself what this person (or group) represents. What qualities does this person have?

The dream may suggest the qualities in your dance partner need to be integrated into yourself; they are a part of you that needs recognition and freedom of expression. By dancing with these previously unknown parts of the self, integration occurs at inner levels.

This column is intended as entertainment. But psychologists who work with clients’ dreams say that dreams can hold a tremendous amount of significance; a particularly disturbing or repetitive dream may indicate the need to see a therapist.

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