My Husband Is Doing Drugs
Sharon, 30, says she can’t stand her husband’s drug abuse. Married three years, she worked in a clothing manufacturer’s promotion department until her daughter, Laura, was born nine months ago. She says Elliott promised to stop smoking grass a dozen times. “He tells me he’ll stop when he gets his master’s degree or when he lands a good job or when the baby is born,” Sharon says. “But nothing ever changes.
These two argue constantly. Overwhelmed with caring for the baby, missing adult company all day, Sharon desperately needs to talk when her husband gets home. “But Elliott is oblivious to my needs,” she insists. He comes in, says the house looks like a bomb has been dropped on it, then steps outside for his nightly smoke.
That, apparently, is Elliott’s standard M.O.: “When things get tough, he withdraws, leaves or actually has a temper tantrum,” Sharon says. And when Elliott gets angry, he curses, calls her names and then bolts.
If her husband doesn’t stop smoking grass, she’d prefer he stay out of the house for good. “If he thinks for one minute that I’m going to let him hold the baby when he’s stoned, he’s got a rude awakening coming.”
Elliott, a 32-year-old accountant, is just as adamant. “I know Sharon’s furious,” he says in a tight voice, “but she refuses to listen to my point of view. Smoking grass relaxes me. It is not interfering with my work, I don’t do it in the house, and I’m not getting into a stupor every night. I am certainly not a drug addict who is endangering the life of my child.”
The marijuana issue is one of many Sharon hounds him about, Elliott explains. “She’s always in my face, swamping me with her anxieties, hammering away about spending time with her or helping out more.” He wants to, he says, but Sharon’s relentless nagging sends him out the door.
Getting a spouse to change - whatever the habit
“Sharon and Elliott are locked in a series of power struggles that neither understands or knows how to break,” explains Jane Greer, a New York marriage and sex therapist. Many couples struggle with similar problems. Unable to talk through and work out problems, a husband tunes out his wife by turning on the TV, working late or disappearing for the evening. The wife remains frustrated, furious and often depressed, as Sharon is, at her inability to get a spouse to hear what she’s saying and change his behavior.
A key factor in perpetuating power struggles is the insistence of one or both partners that a spouse change to suit them. Sharon must understand Elliott is not going to do that now, so she’d better figure out whether, and how, she can live with that reality. If you feel you’re between a rock and a hard place, these steps can help:
Bite your tongue. You may not be able to change your partner but you can change how you allow his words or deeds to affect you and what you do. If you’ve been pushing for change to no avail, stop. Too often, couples keep trying to solve a problem the same old way even though the tactic isn’t working.
The more Sharon demanded that Elliott quit smoking, the more he stonewalled. Also, by voicing all the concerns about his drug use, Sharon was unwittingly perpetuating it. Interestingly, during an individual session, Elliott admitted that, contrary to his hard-line policy with Sharon, he did want to stop smoking. “I use it as an escape - from her nagging and from all the responsibilities. I know I should be helping out more,” he said. As they began to get along better, he actually did.
Focus on what could be better between you if the behavior stopped. Rather than carp about his TV watching, pot smoking or drinking, talk about how much you miss the closeness you once shared, his involvement with the children or simply the fact that he doesn’t consult you before he goes somewhere or does something. Decide what’s most important, stick with one issue at a time and work on that. When his wife did this, emotionally detached Elliott was able to talk about his feelings and concerns. Sharon learned to listen without interrupting or justifying her behavior.
Become less dependent on your spouse. Needy and anxious, Sharon looked to Elliott to provide her only adult companionship. Once she became friendly with other new mothers and began to share her feelings with them, she felt less need to pounce on him at the end of the day. As she pulled back, the tension and bickering at home decreased.