Time To Negotiate What’s Agreeable

Dear Miss Manners: My roommate wants to have his girlfriend stay the night about five nights a week, and I’ve objected. He and I have been friends for 10 years, and this is putting a real strain on our friendship.

She comes over in the evening, stays the night and leaves rather early. She has not been a nuisance other than that I don’t enjoy having to share my evenings with someone.

I have said I could tolerate her being over three nights per week or, if he wanted her to stay more often, that they contribute $50 to the rent (about 10 percent of the rent).

Have I stepped out of line to set limitations on visitors?

Gentle Reader: What you have there is not a visitor, but a third roommate. And what you badly need is a retroactive agreement with your original roommate about who else can move in and what the responsibilities will be.

Every living arrangement needs to have its terms spelled out to the mutual satisfaction of everyone participating, although if that sounds as if children should have an equal voice with their parents in the household rules, Miss Manners apologizes because she means no such thing.

In the case of roommates, it is a good idea to discuss a third-party contingency ahead of time, although it’s understandable that the need for this may not appear important until it suddenly strikes. Nevertheless, people of good will ought to be able to reach an agreement that recognizes the comfort of both, and does not insist that love trumps all previous considerations.

Love does sometimes require new living arrangements. But as you do not dislike the lady, yours seems salvageable. You and your roommate are in urgent need of a private session in which you can work out a compromise (in terms of how much time the new resident spends with you, and how much she or her host contributes to the rent) that both of you would consider pleasant and equitable.

Dear Miss Manners: My sister-in-law insists on putting Miss on everything she addresses to me. I am 38 years old, and I am not married and have never been married. I find addressing me the same as my 5-year-old niece to be quite insulting.

My parents say I should not let it bother me, but I feel that if she wants to put surnames on invitations, Christmas cards and birthday cards, she should do so correctly, or not at all.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners has news that may bother you even more: Your sister-in-law is addressing you correctly.

“Ms.” would also be correct, but “Miss” is not incorrect, and certainly not insulting. The English language has a separate honorific for little boys, “Master,” but there is no female equivalent: “Miss” is as appropriate for a 5-year-old as it is for a 95-year-old. <, Dear Miss Manners: My sister and I want to give our parents a 25th anniversary party, but are unsure about the dates. You see, our parents were divorced seven years after they married, and married again 4-1/2 years later.

Do we base the 25 on the second date, allow for the total number of years spent so far as a married couple, or count the time they dated before remarrying?

Gentle Reader: You set the date 25 years after their first wedding, or whenever you and your sister are both free to give the party, whichever comes first.

Surely the point, it would seem to Miss Manners, is to focus on the marriage rather than on its little hiatus.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate