Prudent Workers Don’t Do Showers
Dear Miss Manners: I enjoy my workplace (I am a college student in my first job), where the people are friendly. We celebrate birthdays, weddings, births, etc.
My boss’s unmarried, teenage daughter recently gave birth and a collection was started to buy a baby present. My boss does not know about it, and from what I gather, the relationship between her and her daughter is very strained. The daughter walked out of her parents’ house.
I have never met the girl, and I wonder how appropriate it would be to give to a gift fund for her child. My beliefs about unwed mothers are not “modern.” I believe that a child should be raised by people able to support it, both monetarily and in their level of maturity. Am I being prudish? Am I making too much of something as indirect as this? Should I have given my opinion to my co-workers?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners assures you that she is a great deal more prudish than you. But as she prudently welcomes all new babies without poking into how they arrived, she does not mistake a request for a baby present for a referendum on the conception.
This leaves her free to exercise her prudishness on unprofessional behavior.
Unlike you, she disapproves of personal celebrations at the office. They force false friendship (as opposed to professional pleasantness and cooperation, which are business requirements) on people who may not know or like one another. Thus, you are pushed to help buy a present for someone you have never met - and it’s the boss’ daughter, which introduces an element of obsequiousness.
No, you should not give your opinion of the unknown mother’s situation. But you need not give your money, either. All that you need to do is decline politely to contribute to the fund on the prudent grounds that you are unacquainted with the person for whom it is intended.
Dear Miss Manners: We have a thoughtful son and daughter-in-law who have never said an unkind word, but we also have a son-in-law who corrects us all the time. I pretend that I don’t hear him.
It’s getting to the point where my husband and I aren’t supposed to say anything, just sit and be quiet. If I say something, he starts to shake his head “No, not again.” He has been correcting us so much that it’s no pleasure to go where he goes.
On our last encounter, our son stepped in and spoke up that the facts he was disagreeing about were true - and then he shut up.
For our daughter’s sake, we want to keep peace and harmony in our family. Please help us to find a loving way. Should we just shut up and never talk in his presence or just leave the room and watch TV?
Gentle Reader: By discounting whatever you say, your rude son-in-law neatly manages to cut off the possibility of your defending yourselves from his rudeness. But Miss Manners will not stand for your being intimidated into silence.
And fortunately, neither will your son. What you want to do is to keep him at just the proper pitch of indignation - not so much that he destroys the family peace you so wisely want to save, but not so little that he allows you to be sacrificed for it.
Try prodding him along the lines of “You were such a dear to defend us. I don’t think Rocky realizes how much he cows us when he jumps in and contradicts us. We don’t want anyone to be rude to him, either, of course, but it’s just terribly nice that you champion us.”
xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate