Lack Of Respect Can Wreck Marriage
“Sam says he loves me and respects my business judgment, but you would never know it,” fumes Dorothy, 41, the mother of twin 11-year-old sons and owner of a gourmet food store with her husband of 15 years. According to Dorothy, Sam often makes important business decisions without consulting her.
“We’d talked about how we were unhappy with the cheese distributor,” she recalls, “but we never came to a final decision. Dorothy says she had wanted to try to work something out with this man because he was one of their first suppliers. But Sam switched to a new man without telling Dorothy. “I didn’t even know until the new guy made a delivery,” she exclaims.
Dorothy claims Sam also treats her shabbily in front of customers. “Last week a woman asked me for advice on how to make a vegetable tart,” she says, “and before I could open my mouth, Sam launched into a long discussion of his own detailed method. I felt so stupid. He even joked to her that I’m the store number cruncher and don’t really know much about cooking.”
Sam’s inconsiderate behavior crops up outside the store too. “We’ll be at a friend’s party or a PTA meeting, and he thinks nothing of interrupting me mid-sentence,” she says. Sometimes he dismisses her comments outright; other times he negates her version of events. But, most insulting of all, Dorothy says, “he acts as if I’m not even there.”
Though she’s tried to point out how hurtful his behavior is, Sam gives little more than a passing nod to her complaints. “I feel invisible,” she says, “and if he keeps it up, I plan to quit working in the store. Let him find someone else.”
Sam, 43, is shocked by his wife’s outburst. “How can she say that?” he says, flabbergasted. “I do respect her.” “Okay, so maybe I interrupt her. Is that crime?”
Sam has an excuse for every point Dorothy makes. He didn’t interrupt her, he insists, he added to what she was saying. He didn’t switch suppliers without consulting her, he thought they’d discussed it. And when he makes comments at parties, he’s only kidding. “Dorothy has always been too sensitive,” Sam says, adding that his wife needs to lighten up a bit.
When he oversteps the bounds
“Sarcasm and lack of respect has wrecked many marriages,” notes Jane Greer, DSW, a marriage and sex therapist in New York City. One of the cruelest things a partner can do is imply that the other person is not valued. Offhand comments, snide remarks, backhand compliments or outright interruptions are only a few ways that people, sometimes unintentionally, stab another in the back. The result can be deeply wounding and, if the demeaning remarks continue, a threat to the marriage.”
Both women and men are guilty of respect-bashing. If you or your partner feels put down by a spouse, consider the advice below, which helped Dorothy and Sam come to an understanding of what respect in a marriage means:
Remember, you can’t let it all hang out - at least not all the time. Yes, in a good marriage couples must be able to relax and be themselves. But there’ a big difference between that and lashing out at a partner because you feel frustrated, stressed out or angry. In a healthy marriage, partners make a pact not to violate each other’s feelings, ideas or sense of self. Talk about how respect was or was not demonstrated in your family when you were growing up.
Humiliation of any kind is unacceptable. There is no excuse for making demeaning or critical comments about your spouse either when you are alone or in front of other people, especially your children.
Do a reality check on your sense of humor. Maybe you think you are being funny, but your spouse may not. Monitor your behavior for a week; write down every time you think you were disrespectful, or every time your spouse tells you you were.
Don’t assume your spouse knows how you feel. Dorothy didn’t realize how much resentment had built up inside her over the years. Instead of standing up to Sam’s remarks or innuendos, she swallowed her feelings. As a child, Dorothy learned to accept and tolerate the unacceptable. She needed to tell Sam directly that his comments or actions were offensive and demand that he stop.