Come On, Let’s See, Hear It All

President Clinton, step up on the national stage and strip naked.

While we’re at it, all you military generals, and everyone with any ambitions to be anyone, including school board president - hop up there, too. Take it all off. Let us scrutinize your genital characteristics - they may become important some day - and your character, too.

Let’s see if there ain’t some lint we can pick from your belly button.

Some griminess or sliminess or grit, some mistake six or 10 or 18 years ago, and maybe if we’re lucky a juicy mistake hardly a week old.

Do we care about speeding tickets, missing child support payments, lies to the IRS or empty fifths of gin? Dear me, no. We care about sex. But not the sanctified sex of marriage - that makes us yawn.

We want to string up and flog with headlines men and women guilty of sex outside marriage, sex outside the rules, sex outside the norm or sex that merely offends the sensibilities of the Keepers of Public Morality.

Once, our stupid sexual mistakes were our own private torture. Now, everybody wants to stick their noses in our closets, especially lawyers and reporters.

Sex is the sin we love to hate, even as it entertains us. We poke at it and laugh at it.

Listen, America! We’re making jokes about our president’s genitals! And while harassment is worse than mere sexual stupidity, we’re giggling about what he saw in Paula Jones - and what she saw on him.

I can’t believe I’m typing this. I can’t believe we’re in this spot. Forgive me for sounding like a bewildered child. But whether it’s Clinton’s fault, or Jones’ fault, or the fault of right-wingers who goaded her on, or if it’s everybody’s or nobody’s fault - please, somebody, step in and make this go away.

Stories about sex in high places seem routine now. In the span of three weeks: The Air Force runs out of town a young pilot who fell in love with the wrong guy, then pathetically tried to hang onto him, contrary to orders.

A few days later, a top Army general retires early, citing an old affair he shouldn’t have had.

Mere hours after that, a top Air Force general, in line to become chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, confesses an even more stale affair. This time, the secretary of defense squirms and says, “Hey, now, well, maybe it’s time to draw the line.”

I’m inclined the other way: Let’s invite all of America’s military officers and public officials and anyone we want to trust - nurses, crossing guards, TV talk show hosts - to confess their sexual sins. Some might keep mum, but everyone’s got a fink in their past with a story burning to be aired.

Maybe if we hear and see enough, we’ll get bored with everyone’s sex life except - if we’re lucky - our own.