Mail Ballots As Simple As A, B, Three

News item: Many voters are confused by the complicated wording on the mail-in ballots for the football stadium referendum.

Really? I can’t see why. To the best of my recollection, the wording on my ballot went something like this:

Instructions to voters:

Welcome to the first-ever countywide Vote-by-Mail election. This process is intended to streamline the election process while at same time serving as a challenging experience for you, the voter. Enclosed is a computerized ballot, containing 898 different punch-holes. Two of these punch-holes have been randomly selected to correspond to the concepts of “Yes” and “No,” although instead of the actual words we have assigned each word a code number for your convenience.

Before you begin, you should be aware of the following information:

1. Your return ballot envelope will require first class postage.

2. If you cannot afford a stamp, you may fold your ballot into an airplane and send it via “air mail.”

3. Your ballot must be marked in secret. If anyone witnesses you marking your ballot, you must have them killed.

4. In order for your ballot to be counted it must be postmarked no later than midnight of Election Day (June 17), except for those on Daylight Savings Time, in which case the 24-second shot clock will be enforced.

5. If you have destroyed or somehow soiled your ballot, you should have been more careful.

6. Any person attempting to vote who is not entitled to vote, by reason of being dead, shall be guilty of a felony, not that it matters.

More Instructions to Voters:

1. Locate the place on the ballot card where it says, “Yes” or “No.”

2. As stated above, there is no “Yes” or “No.” To make the voting process more insanely complicated, we have assigned the number 10 for a “Yes” vote, and the number 12 for a “No” vote.

3. To repeat, 12 means “Yes” and 10 means “No.”

4. Place the ballot on a flat surface. Using a straightened paper clip, a pen point, a sharp pencil, a nail gun or a similar punching device, press straight down on the small black dot on the ballot card that matches the number of the vote of your choice. For instance, to vote “Yes,” press down on number 10. (This means, as stated above, that you wish to cast 10 votes in favor of the stadium).

5. It didn’t work, did it? We didn’t mean it when we told you to place your ballot on a flat surface. Instead, you must lift the ballot off the flat surface so your nail gun punches entirely through the ballot card.

6. Now, examine the back of the ballot card, either by turning over the card or by getting someone to hold it while you crawl underneath. Is the “RECTANGULAR SHAPED CHAD” still hanging there? Or for that matter, is the “RECTANGULAR SHAPED BIFF” or the “RECTANGULAR SHAPED DEREK” or the “RECTANGULAR SHAPED TROY” still dangling there? If so grab the “CHAD” or any other “BIFF”-like object between your thumb and forefinger. Then yank hard until the offending part has been completely “BOBBITED.”

7. “CHAD” actually means that little piece of cardboard you just punched out. We do not make up these names for your amusement.

8. When you have completed voting, DO NOT FOLD OR MUTILATE THE BALLOT CARD. Instead, you must fold (as opposed to FOLD) the attached flap over your voted ballot.

9. Make sure you do this correctly. If you tear or damage your card in any way, the computer will misread your ballot and put you on the mailing list for Amway.

10. Place your voted ballot into the GOLD envelope, marked “GOLD envelope,” and then stuff it into the LIGHT GREEN envelope, marked “LIGHT GREEN envelope.” Complete the color scheme by opting for something in maybe a BURNISHED COPPER or an AUTUMN TEAL.

11. Sign the statement on the back of the LIGHT GREEN return address envelope exactly as you are registered to vote. This will not violate the secrecy of your vote, because after we open your ballot, we will have ourselves, of course, killed.

One final note: If you choose not to vote by mail, you may go to your usual polling place on Election Day. There, we have arranged to have you locked out and told to go away.

, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review