Mediation Makes Life Smoother
Dear Jennifer: Your column on Sunday hit home and hit hard, especially your disclosure that as a girl, you, too, had been taught to be nice, nice, nice. While there is nothing implicitly wrong with being “nice” per se, being nice at all costs is most definitely wrong, in fact, self-destructive, as the results of the lives of many women demonstrate.
On top of that, the Christian tenet of forgiveness was fed on a weekly basis to those of us who went to Sunday school. So we learned to not only discount our feelings, but also to forgive all perpetrators if we were to be seen as “worthy” in the sight of God.
Thank you for stating so clearly the importance of a combination of responses in a conflict situation. Nice, forgiving, tough and clear is something I will practice because becoming good at it will simplify my life.
Karin
Dear Karin: So many readers called, sent e-mail and wrote in response to that column. Our children are now taught conflict resolution in school, but we adults must teach ourselves. If we all practice mediation, the daily bumps and grinds of life would take a far smaller toll on our relationships. Thanks for your e-mail.
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer: Money matters can destroy a family. I have first-hand experience. When parents treat their children unequally in their wills, this is the beginning of real trouble. Is it worth the destruction of a family to give more to a favorite child or to the poorest (or least rich) sibling? I am a strong believer in treating all children equal in a will. I also am a strong believer that the parents should let their children know what is in the will, not keep it a secret until after death, as if they were ashamed to be caught being unfair.
David
Dear David: So many people have inheritance issues, whether it is money or mother’s favorite platter, that businesses are forming around the need for inheritance counseling.
There are many ways to handle the potential problems, but the best center around a family meeting where those with the goods confer with those to whom they want to leave them, asking appropriate questions.
If you think you have a problem with family goods, and open conversation isn’t possible, then the book, “Managing Your Inheritance,” by Emily Card, may help.
But remember there is no way that a will can straighten out a lifetime of hurts and slights, and any expectation that it can only seems to lead to grief.
I have a friend; he is 81. All his life, his father treated him shabbily, even though he was an only child, behaved respectfully and chose the father’s profession to please him. His father died at 96, with all his faculties intact, and left all the money and every bit of family property to a recent housekeeper. He knew exactly what he was doing. People don’t change who they are even when faced with their own mortality.
Jennifer
Dear Readers: I have a new little book just published, “Twenty Steps To Wisdom.” It is a very different version of my original vision steps, and I will be writing about it in a column soon. It lays out the path that the wisdom traditions use to help individuals understand their place in the world. I am proud of this book in a way I have not been proud of my other books. See what you think. You can pick it up at your local bookstore or order it from me by mail.
“Twenty Steps to Wisdom,” $16.98 with tax, can be ordered by mail through Jennifer James Inc., P.O. Box 337, Seahurst, WA 98062. Please make checks payable to Jennifer James, Inc., and add shipping and handling fees of $2.50 for one book or $4 for two. A brochure of products is available upon request.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jenniver James The Spokesman-Review