Arguing Begins With Parents
In the middle of a speaking engagement, I often ask, “How many of you have argumentative children?”
In an audience of 500, at least 350 will raise a hand, and there will be general laughter along with much dramatic moaning and groaning.
At this point, I say, “I have good news - or bad news, depending on how you look at it: Not one of you has an argumentative child. In fact, there is no such thing.
“Furthermore, not one of you who just raised a hand will ever get a grip on the arguing that takes place between you and your supposedly argumentative child as long as you persist in the belief that these arguments originate in your child. You will only begin to get a grip when you finally admit to yourself these arguments are 110 percent your doing.”
The majority sit in stunned silence. They’re having a hard time overcoming their “denial” of a living-with-children reality.
It is, after all, much easier to believe the child is the problem, and you, the parent, are an innocent casualty of your child’s stubborn refusal to listen to reason.
The fact is, ours is the first generation of parents to believe that arguments with children are inevitable. I’ve talked to enough people who reared children prior to World War II to know that arguing with children is a postwar thing.
Even Dr. Spock, who is unjustly accused of spawning permissive parenting, said in the first edition of his landmark “Book of Baby and Child Care” (1946) that “You can’t reason with a child,” and recommended parents not even try. But parents can do with their children exactly what their parenst did to prevent arguments. Simply decide not to argue.
Putting a permanent end to arguing requires the parent say to himself, “I am completely responsible. …My chld has nothing to do with them whatsoever. He is only taking advantage of an opportunity I continue to extend in his direction. That may sound discouraging, but it actually means because you are in complete control of whether an argument takes place, you can stop them, permanently.”
At this point, I always hear some people making noises of disbelief, so I prove what I’m proposing is within their grasp: “How many of you,” I ask, “grew up with parents who completely refused to argue with you, ever?”
Close to half in the audience raise their hands. “See?” I say, “Your parents knew they were in total control fo whether you argued. And they would not allow it. You can do the same, whenever you’d like. You can stop giving your child opportunity to argue. The next time your child disagrees with a decision you’ve made, or an explanation you’ve offered for a decision he didn’t like, just look at him and say, ‘Yes, well, I’d feel the same way if I was your age. No problem,’ And at the critical point - the point of ‘nuff said, turn around with a shrug of the shoulders and walk away.
“Pull the plug on the power struggle. This will not guarantee compliance, but it increases its likelihood threefold. “Now, I challenge you to prove me right!”
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond Charlotee Observer