Handy Psychological Yardsticks

For some reason, we use the holidays to tell us the status of our relationships. If they’re going good, the holiday goes off without a hitch. But if there’s a slight flaw in the fabric, it all starts to unravel.

Sally: “I have been involved with a married man who lives in another state for a year and a half, which has included two holiday seasons. Last year, I had other issues to deal with since that was my first Christmas alone. This year was a whole new ballgame.

“Steve has always made an effort, but this Christmas, he put forth at least 150 percent in an attempt to make me feel less alone. He called, faxed, left messages and spent a lot of time with me before and after Christmas and New Year’s. He is aware of my frustrations and the promise I made to myself that this would be the last Christmas I would spend alone. This is the reason for the extra effort I am sure, to show me it wasn’t so bad to be on your own on major holidays when everyone is with their loved ones.

“We both have things to take care of in our lives, including money, homes, jobs and marriages. I don’t really know how to change or what to change in my life, but I realize two things:

“1. Never again will I become involved with a married man.

“2. Something is going to have to change before the next holiday season.”

Rick: “Around mid-November, after several discouraging bouts on the front lines, I decided to take the rest of the year off from dating. On New Year’s Eve, I arrived at a buddy’s house with a couple of one pound steaks and a 12-pack of beer. He had the front row, first level riser seats for Ted Nugent and Alice Cooper. What kind of a New Year’s Eve do you think we had? Since January, I’m two dates into the wars, I love women, but it sure was nice to pull back to base camp for that month and a half.”

Cynthia: “The holidays told me that my four-year relationship was really nonexistent. He never seemed to find time for me. Just one short little visit. Needless to say, there was no gift, no card, so you can imagine, that visit was not pleasant. My feelings were hurt. This man has a very good-paying job and can well afford whatever he wants. I bought him a gift and had it delivered. Then I had to call him to make sure he received it. He will not be seeing much of me in 1997.”

Nina: “In October, my husband and I were talking about what to do on New Year’s Eve. I mentioned going to a play I wanted to see. He thought it was a great idea and said he would get the tickets the next day. He did not. In November, I ripped out a full-page ad for the play. I left it on the table as I went off to work. I called him later and suggested the purchase of the tickets that day. He said he would. (No mention that he got the tickets.) In December, another reminder. He agreed to get the tickets.

“New Year’s Eve day while I was working, I called him at home and he asked what I wanted to do that evening. We both agreed that dinner at home would be OK, but I had to pick up the food. While we were cooking, I asked about the tickets. He stammered and said they were sold out and that he had just called a week ago. (The tickets were not sold out.) We ate dinner, watched a movie, kissed at midnight and went to bed without sex! Not next year!”

xxxx