He Thinks I Am A Spendthrift
“I can’t remember a single day when we haven’t fought about money,” sighs Angelica, 29, the mother of 2-year-old twin sons. “I quit my job as a data processor to be a full-time mother and now the way James carries on about money, you’d think I do nothing but spend all day at the mall. Nothing could be further from the truth!” Angelica protests. “I buy what we need. I don’t spend money on myself - the last time I bought a new outfit was for my niece’s wedding last year. I buy clothes and toys for the boys and food - no one but my husband would accuse me of being Ivana Trump.”
She does admit the pool she bought for the dog isn’t a necessity. “But it was only $10 - and besides, James bought a $9 bone for him last month!” Why, she asks, is it OK for him to spend money, but not OK for her?
Angelica insists she’s eager to discuss finances. But all her husband wants to do is rant and rave. “I’m the one who is trying to sit down with James and make a budget so we can really get a sense of what’s coming in and going out. But he doesn’t want to talk - he only wants me to agree to do things his way.”
James feels he’s under the gun. “My salary isn’t increasing by leaps and bounds, you know,” says the 30-year-old mechanic. “I’m working overtime already. When am I going to get a chance to enjoy life - when I’m 60?” Having twins, he adds, is a big financial responsibility - one he hadn’t counted on - and Angelica just can’t go off and buy a new dishwasher when the old one still works. James thinks it makes far more sense to pay off old bills before adding new ones. “All I’m asking is that she cut back a bit here and there. Does a dog need a pool?”
Breaking the pattern of destructive arguing
“Angelica and James have fallen into a pattern of destructive arguing,” says Howard Markman, director of the Center for Marital Studies at the University of Denver and author of “Fighting for Your Marriage” (Josie Bass, 1996). Like many couples, they fight the same fight over and over again, unable to reach a solution.
Angelica and James are certainly not alone. In the Marital Olympics fighting over money is right up there with fighting over sex. To keep financial fights from sabotaging your marriage, follow this advice:
1. Don’t be afraid to talk about money. James is so panicked about providing for his family that he avoids serious practical discussion. But like any problem, the more you keep it under wraps, the more it festers and it inevitably contaminates other areas of your relationship. Instead of getting angry at Angelica, James should admit he’s scared. Instead of lobbing one barb after another back at her husband, Angelica should listen sympathetically and uncritically to his feelings and help him work them through.
2. Spend time thinking about and discussing the attitudes and behaviors you learned as children about dealing with money. Were your parents well off, did they hoard money and believe it should only be spent in emergencies? Money is a loaded emotional issue: In your family, was it used to control? To show love? To reward? Unless you talk about the roots of your money styles clearly and often - especially when your financial status changes - the stage will be set for misunderstanding and resentment.
3. Appreciate and respect your different attitudes and approaches toward spending and saving. Don’t assume you know your spouse’s feelings. When you understand where your spouse is coming from, you’re less likely to feel annoyed, hurt or rejected and more likely to be willing to work toward finding some middle ground when financial disputes erupt.
4. Share your financial dreams and fantasies. There’s a difference between demands and wishes. Partners should feel free to discuss their dreams - but first they must hammer out practical and sensible strategies for making ends meets. To do that, be honest about current and projected earnings and expenses. Will you need to buy a computer for the kids? How long will your car last? What about college? Use your negotiating skills to devise a monthly and yearly budget with which you can both live. Agree to revise it every year.
5. When conflicts arise - and they will - promise yourselves you will avoid destructive arguments that involve name-calling, sarcasm or hostility. Instead, think of conflicts as a signal that it’s time for another serious and honest money talk.