A Prickly Relationship

First of all, don’t go near the rose bushes.

I offer this advice as part of what I consider to be a need-to-know primer for the soon-to-be-married. For as the wedding season approaches, many potential newlyweds soon will be forced to begin that traditional form of family courting known as Marrying With Mother-in-law.

Is this sexist? Maybe, but the truth is inescapable: More often than not the in-law you need to impress most is your spouse’s mother.

This I learned from experience.

Here’s what happened: While visiting my first wife’s family home, and still caught up in the bloom of young love those many years ago, I wanted to enhance what I hoped was a good first impression. So early one sultry Midwestern spring day, I gassed up my father-in-law’s John Deere and began attacking his multi-acre lawn.

All went well until I chanced upon a particularly scruffy clump of grass growing along one side of the barn.

Understand that this was a… very… big… yard. Even using my father-in-law’s riding mower for the park-sized main section, the job took hours. That’s why I saved the trim for last.

So maybe you can see how I might have been primed to make a teensy-weensy mistake. For only after I forced the mower through this thick mass of undergrowth, wincing as the whirling blade chopped through something with a fearful DING-DING-DING-DING, did I notice the severed stems of my mother-in-law’s prize rose bush.

Now, moments such as this are made for denial. We’ve all endured them. No, my fly was NOT open during my world history oral report. No, Susan Foley did NOT laugh out loud when I asked her to the senior prom.

No, I did NOT massacre my mother-in-law’s prize red roses.

But, of course, I had. That was all too clear as I stood there, looking at butchered rose-bush stems that now resembled a Cascades clear-cut.

Even if I hadn’t realized what I’d done, Mother-in-law would have reminded me. As she did all that afternoon, during dinner that evening, at regular intervals during the remainder of our 10-day-long vacation and, in fact, throughout the next 17 years of the marriage.

I have no doubt that if I were still part of that family I would be the target of snide comments like this:

“Well, guess who won’t win first prize in the county fair again THIS year?”

Or “You know, that neighbor boy may not do a very good job cutting the lawn, but at least he knows the difference between a WEED and a ROSE.”

Who says there are no positive sides to divorce?

Anyway, divorce is not the subject here. Meeting Mother-in-law is. Or, to be more specific, pleasing her. To that all-important end, I offer the following tips. With the proper application, they should at the very least get you through Mother’s Day weekend:

Develop proper table manners.

Never pick up a dinner check - unless, of course, Mother-in-law makes it clear that she wants you to.

This is particularly tricky. For not only does it bring you into potential conflict with Mother-in-law, but it can get you in trouble with your father-in-law as well. Some men just don’t enjoy a meal unless they can bully you into letting them pay.

I once had my wrist nearly broken by a father-in-law who absolutely insisted on paying - either for the dinner check or my hospital bill.

Of course, the in-laws who expect you to pay can be even worse (see “National Lampoon’s Vacation”).

The key is to avoid putting Mother-in-law in an awkward situation. Because if you do, believe me, no matter how good your intentions were, she’ll make you regret it.

How much left-over beet casserole can you eat, anyway?

Remember her birthday.

Ignore the specifics. Mother-in-law doesn’t want to be reminded how OLD she is, so don’t send cute cards that say such things as “50 and Fabulous” or “Grandma Knows Best.”

And don’t even dream of buying her a bumper sticker that says “Sexy Senior Citizen.”

No, your best bet is to keep three basic words in mind - flowers, flowers, flowers (unless, for obvious reasons, we’re talking about my ex-mother-in-law).

Special note: Avoid Venus Flytrap.

Respect her opinions (no matter how stupid).

While watching an episode of “Who’s the Boss?” one evening, my ex-wife and I spent the half-hour giggling at each ridiculous plot point. We failed to notice that Mother-in-law was growing angry.

Finally, after we had shared some particularly acerbic remark, she pounced.

“Well,” she snapped, “if you’re so smart, how come you’re not on television?”

I’m still trying to come up with a retort for that one.

Never try to mediate family dysfunction.

Always remember, these people were doing crisis control on their relationships long before you came along. So it doesn’t matter how clearly you can see what’s going on - and, more important, what’s NOT going on - they’re not about to listen to your take on their communication skills.

So when Mother-in-law, for perhaps the 15th time in the last hour, lectures your wife on her inability to (choose one) cook/work AND raise children/remember anniversaries, make things easy on yourself.

Just shut up.

Keep the compliments flowing…because keeping quiet doesn’t always work. No matter what kind of emotional shape Mother-in-law is in, she’s likely to want the kind of attention only you, her surrogate son, can provide. And trust me here: There is no more dangerous leading question than, “Would you like a second helping?”

Especially if she’s been taking an exotic cooking class.

So learn to develop a little self-control. You’ll be banished to in-law hell if you answer truthfully (“Sure, if you want me to throw up right here at the table”), if you can’t manage an adequate lie (“Sorry, but I’m allergic to eel”) or if you just sit there and sweat.

Find a way to survive in her fantasy world.

“You know,” you must learn to say with as much false sincerity as you can muster, “I think I’m passing a kidney stone.”

A closing thought

Through my second marriage, I have been blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law. Not only is she thoughtful, but she loves going to art-house movies, reading hardback books and traveling to tourist-friendly destinations.

We exchange tasteful cards on all the appropriate holidays, and the clothes she buys me for Christmas actually fit.

I couldn’t be happier.

Even so, you better believe I never go near her roses.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by Molly Quinn