Friendly Advice Parents Should Avoid Snap Judgements On Children’s Unconventional Friends

Everyday it seems that as fast as your son jets into the house after school he darts back out again just a hair quicker. You scarcely see him anymore.

He’s hanging, he says. Hanging with Johnny.

You ask to meet this new friend. Whatever, your son snorts. The next day your son comes home shadowed by Johnny, the myth, the legend. Standing before you is your worst nightmare: A green-haired teenage hipster in shredded jeans boasting as many body piercings as zits.

The bells toll wildly on your parental alarm clock. What could your son possibly see in this spawn of Dennis Rodman?

If it hasn’t happened already, some day soon your adolescent is going to bring home a friend you don’t like. It is a mystery what he or she sees in this person. Though your heart may tell you so, experts say, it may do more harm than good to ban your child from schmoozing with his chosen comrade. As parents, it is important to show children that you respect and value their feelings, choices and peer relationships - at least to a point.

“Dealing with a child’s negative peer influence is at the top of parental concerns,” said Teresa A. Langston, a Longwood, Fla., lecturer and author of “Parenting Without Pressure.” “Peers have a tremendous impact on kids. In fact, 99 percent of the time, if you want to know what your child is doing, simply take a look at his or her best friend.”

Most of the time, research suggests, children choose chums whose values mirror those of their own parents, said Christy M. Buchanan, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C.

“This is especially true if the parents have been involved in their children’s lives,” she said, “both in terms of having a close, open relationship and in terms of setting reasonable rules and monitoring the child’s activities and behavior.”

Those parents focus on their child’s behavior rather than that of their peers. They establish an open line of communication that allows parents and child to express concerns. They set clear standards, outlining what the child is and isn’t allowed to do, what is and isn’t acceptable, and the consequences of breaking ranks.

Even with excellent tutoring, a kid’s friends sometimes go against the grain. It is not unusual for parents to make a visceral decision on the fly.

“Some parents do judge ‘the book by the cover,”’ Langston said. “Clothing, hairstyle and grooming definitely leave an impression. Unfortunately, some never get past the exterior.”

Snap judgments often lead to snap decisions. Parents may rail against the “bad influence” and criticize the peer’s perceived shortcomings with hopes of driving a stake into the heart of their friendship. On the surface, such tactics may seem a prudent course of action, particularly in cases where the relationship poses a threat to your child’s life. Outside of life-threatening conduct, experts say trying to nix a friendship can backfire.

Often, children will snap to the defense of such a friend and may “trivialize or rationalize his faults or shortcomings,” notes “Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12,” a parent guide. “They may ignore their parents, finding a way of seeing this playmate anyway.”

Parental criticism of a child’s choice of companions also can chip away at a child’s confidence in his own judgment.

Smart parents make judgments based on character, good decision-making and past conduct of the child in question. Parents must move beyond first impressions to divine between concerns of style, and those involving safety or moral issues.

Friends are much more influential regarding issues of taste such as trendy clothes, research shows, than issues of major values such as respect for others and personal responsibility.

Langston says parents should discern between areas of real concern and those that are merely irritating, and put the brakes on the friendship only if the conduct is:

-Immoral.

-Illegal.

-Going to hurt this child or someone else.

-Going to make a difference in five years.

-Inappropriate for the child’s age.

Granted, tongue piercings may not be your cup of tea, but jewelry worn in places where jewelry was never intended will not likely shred the moral fabric your family has hopefully knitted.

If you have concerns about the child your youngster has befriended, try to get to know the child and his or her parents. Just because the child has green hair doesn’t mean he’s not an “A” student. Discuss your concerns with his or her parents and try to gauge whether their value system is similar to your own.

Children should be allowed to choose their own friends, said Berndt, an expert in peer relationships; however, parents can steer their kids toward positive relationships by encouraging activities that involve a different group of children.

Subtle interventions such as creating less opportunity for your child to spend time with his friend by restricting contact to school and your home often works with younger children.

Adolescents need a bit more independence. Parents can suggest, not demand that the child reconsider his friendship.

Speak calmly and rationally when you explain why you would rather your child not spend time with his friend, focusing on the specific consequences that may arise if he ends up adopting the unacceptable behavior that you see in this friend.

Latching onto negative peer influences is just another part of childhood development. Although it may cause you to grit your teeth at times, it can be an excellent opportunity to shape the kind of citizen you want your child to become.