Sometimes, Moving May Be Justified

Q. I am a single mother with two children, ages 7 and 4. At present, we live in the same community as my ex-husband. The problem is, I’ve found a much better job in another state and need to move. I’ve heard this is bad for children, but my present income, even with child support, isn’t enough to pay the bills. The kids look forward to seeing their daddy, and I don’t want them or him for that matter to resent me. What do you think?

A. More and more professionals are recommending adamantly that custodial parents not relocate so significant distance is placed between children and noncustodial parents. But I don’t think it’s appropriate to pronounce hard and fast rules about such things. There are simply too many variables involved and too many combinations of those variables to say this or that is the way it should be, period.

If remaining in the same town with your ex was economically feasible, I’d say you should make every effort to stay in the same town. Then again, if it was economically feasible, but the town was small, and it was your ex’s hometown, and you’d become socially isolated since the divorce, I’d probably encourage you to move.

In short, where the question “Should I keep the children near their father (or mother)?” is concerned, my answer is “it depends.” Certainly, children shouldn’t be taken away from a non-custodial parent arbitrarily or spitefully, but if a move is clearly in the best interest of the custodial parent, then so be it.

Research suggests the custodial parent’s adjustment to divorce is the most significant predictor of the children’s adjustment. Therefore, I generally encourage parents, after divorce, to give themselves the benefit of the doubt when it comes to making decisions that affect the children.

Children are sturdy. Speaking as someone whose mother moved him 1,000 miles away from his father when he was 7, this isn’t the end of the world. It may be initially upsetting, but children eventually adjust to such things.

Speaking of your children in particular, the adjustment might be more difficult if they were older and had invested a lot of security in one particular school and certain friendships, but that need not be much of a consideration with children 7 and 4. Even if friends have to be left behind, children this age get over it quickly and make new friends easily.

Now, if you choose to move, I think you must accept the greater share of responsibility for seeing to it that the children continue to see their father on a regular basis. If that means driving farther than their father has to drive, or paying the greater share of their plane tickets, or compensating for the diminished number of possible visitations by allowing their father longer blocks of time with the children, then that’s what you should be ready to agree to.

In short, putting distance between the children and their father should go hand in hand with a willingness to bend over backward.