Eating Disorders Can Strain A Marriage
“On my honeymoon five years ago, I gained 14 pounds - one pound for each day - and when I put on my going-away suit, the suit I’d worn on my wedding day, I popped the seams,” recalls Jenny, 26, who, at 5 feet 2 inches, tips the scales at 180. “I’ve been battling the bulge ever since.”
In truth, Jenny, who has a 3-year-old daughter, Betsy, has had a history of weight problems. “I was always fat and always the object of other kids’ jokes,” she adds. I never had many friends.” Nor did she get much approval or affection from her parents. When her parents did pay attention, it was often to criticize. “I found solace only in food,” Jenny admits. “My world was controlled by it.”
The pattern has always been the same. Just when Jenny feels she has a handle on her life and her weight, something stressful happens and she makes a beeline for the refrigerator. When her husband Travis’ art-supply store failed and the family was forced into bankruptcy, she gained 50 pounds.
Lately, Jenny, who met Travis when they were both majoring in fine arts at college, has been overwhelmed with sadness. “Travis and I haven’t had sex since Betsy was born,” she admits. “More than once he has told me bluntly that he can’t bear to sleep with a woman my size. He can’t even walk down the street with me.”
Last week, Travis moved out - not for the first time - but this time, he took most of his clothes. “My life is ruined,” Jenny sobs hopelessly. “I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
Travis, 33, who went into real estate sales when his art business collapsed, has run out of patience. “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I can’t stand to look at my wife,” he admits. Travis fell in love with the kind, attentive Jenny, who was always there to reassure him and boost his confidence when, as it often seemed, the rest of the world was out to get him. “Jenny believed in me and my artistic talent when nobody else did,” he recalls. But in college, Jenny weighed 60 pounds less than she does now.
“I have tried repeatedly to get her to lose weight. She’ll swear off sweets and the moment my back is turned, she’ll be at the candy box again.” Jenny hides food all over the house - once he caught her standing on top of a ladder, reaching for a box of candy she’d hidden high up in the hall closet.
Jenny’s lying and sneakiness enrage Travis. “I used to feel sorry for her and really want to help. But lately, when she so obviously does nothing to help herself, I’m sickened by her self-indulgence,” he concedes. “I’m tired of hearing how she’s going to go on yet another crazy diet. I’ve had enough.”
When Out-of-control Eating Controls Your Life
“Jenny’s compulsive eating is obviously ruining her marriage and her life,” notes Melanie Katzman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City and a world renowned expert in eating disorders.
Compulsive overeaters may eat continuously or diet strictly and then change. Rather than learn the skills they need to deal with stress, anger or difficult feelings, overeaters stuff themselves - usually with snack or junk foods. However, the sense of power and control, plus whatever relief they do attain by overeating, is always short-lived and the vicious cycle begins anew.
The only way victims like Jenny can learn to change and control their eating habits is, first, by uncovering the psychological reasons that propel them to overeat and second, they need to modify what and how much they eat. Such behavior modification plans include becoming aware of the types and quantities of food eaten, learning to eat more slowly so that the body has time to feel, full and increase activity and exercise to burn calories.
While Jenny is the only one who can conquer her eating disorder, Travis can certainly help. In counseling, it became clear that he was far more dependent on her than he realized. She was, after all, his biggest supporter and constant cheerleader when he stumbled at work. Once he stopped dumping his anger at his own business failures onto her, once he stopped openly criticizing her and pulling away, they were able to share some pleasant times together with their daughter and alone. As Travis became more kind and more responsive, Jenny’s confidence rose. She felt loved once again and the need to rush to the cookie jar subsided, too.