Cheap Seats

After retirement, he won’t be travel agent

While in Paris, Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan was asked what he planned to do for fun. “My kids and my wife are here,” he said, “so we’ll go on some tours of the Luge, probably some shopping.

Michael, was it the Louvre you were thinking about? Maybe while you’re sightseeing you can go see the Stifle Tower.

Successful Packer in need of lip smacker

Flowers and an ever-growing stack of letters fill Green Bay Packers running back Dorsey Levens’ locker.

He can thank Oprah Winfrey for his new-found popularity.

This is no ordinary fan mail filled with congratulatory notes and football cards to sign. These letters are filled with photos and phone numbers and pleas of a different kind.

These fans don’t care so much about his great football skills.

These fans got to know Levens on Oprah’s popular afternoon talk show recently.

“Basically, it was about how hard it is to find a woman who is interested in you for you and not your money and fame,” said Levens, just another wealthy, single athlete who’s been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Levens, a 27-year-old, fourth-year pro from Georgia Tech has taken as much grief for his romantic plea as he’s gotten overtures from wooers. You know, the ones who insist they’re not like all those other shallow types who are after him just for his riches.

When Levens went to his locker following a Monday night game against New England, there was a note in his locker from trainer Pepper Burriss that was addressed “Oprah.” There also was a stack of love letters, along with a fresh bouquet that made him the envy of his single teammates who are maybe a little lovelorn themselves but who didn’t go on Oprah to tell the world about it.

Most of the female fans who did write included snapshots to help sway the yearning running back.

“Nothing crazy,” Levens said with a chuckle. “Everybody is fully clothed.”

Too bad. Maybe he should have gone on the Jerry Springer Show, instead.

It’s a numbers game

Philadelphia Flyers general manager Bob Clarke, when asked if Eric Lindros, who wears No. 88, might seek symmetry and ask for $8.8 million a year in his next contract:

“I wish I could have convinced him to wear No. 22.”

Double your pleasure

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brad Johnson, on the deflected pass he caught and ran in for a touchdown against Carolina on Oct. 12:

“I’ve got a few friends who play fantasy football and I was trying to get them double points.”

Not showing at a theater near you

Suggested titles for a movie about the Chicago Bears season, as suggested by Chicago Tribune readers: “Basic Lack of Instinct,” “A Fish Called Wannstedt,” “Catch-22, Drop 78,” “Das Boo,” “Stalag 17, Bears 0,” “Punt for the Rest of October” and “Four Quarters and a Funeral.”

The last word …

“When they operated on my arm, I asked them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did. But it was a Mrs. Koufax fastball.”

- Tommy John, while pitching for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1978.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo