Men Don’t Play The Crying Game

Our subject in today’s “Men’s Corner” is: Why men don’t cry.

Men don’t cry because there’s no point to it. If something really bad happens to a man, such as booting a ground ball in softball, he might feel like crying, but it wouldn’t do a lot of good, would it? A man usually channels his emotions into a more constructive response, such as staring in disbelief at his glove, flinging it to the ground and then kicking it 10 yards into the outfield, making it clear to all observers that it was the glove’s fault.

There are many other reasons why a man doesn’t cry, which I list here only briefly:

We usually find it easier to just get mad.

It would require that we examine our deepest emotions, which is a big time-waster.

Somebody, like a wife or girlfriend, might make us “talk out our feelings,” which is not only a time-waster but potentially dangerous because we’re bound to say something stupid and then we’ll really be in trouble.

Crying causes headaches. You know that kind of heavy, throbbing feeling right behind your forehead? Who wants to put up with that for the rest of the day?

Consequently, there are many circumstances in which you will never see men crying, no matter the provocation. Here are a few examples:

On backcountry fishing trips: Even if the fish have quit biting, no amount of sobbing will make them start.

At romantic yet tragic movies based on classic novels: Yes, it’s sad, but it’s not exactly real, is it? The men are all wearing wigs.

At work: If we got all weepy every time a boss humiliates us in front of everyone, we’d never get any work done.

At the auto repair shop: No sense in getting all emotional. Just write the check.

At traffic court: Just pay the fine.

At the state penitentiary: Just do the time.

However, having said all of that, men have been known to cry if the circumstances are exactly right. Not everyone understands the rules about when and where men can cry, so I thought I’d lay down the basic principle, which is called the Big Enough Game Principle.

It is absolutely proper for a man to sit in front of his locker and weep after losing a Big Enough Game, such as the World Series or the league championship. However, it is not proper for a man to bawl and moan and carry on following a night game loss in Texas in May.

By the way, the Big Enough Game Principle also applies to fans. Fans can weep, too, as long as the game is at least a playoff game. The entire purpose of the Big Enough Game rule is to ensure that a man doesn’t have to cry more than about two or three times in his lifetime, or slightly more often if he is a Denver Broncos or Boston Red Sox fan.

The Big Enough Game Principle can be applied to many circumstances besides sports. For instance, a man can sob like a baby at a truly important wedding, such as his daughter’s. However, if it is merely his Aunt Wanda’s nephew’s wedding, he should stick a cork in it.

An interesting exception to this rule is that a man should also stick a cork in it during his own wedding. Not that it isn’t a Big Enough Game. Games don’t get any bigger. It’s just that his bride might get upset and demand to know what he’s crying about. Does it have anything to do with her? Is there anything you want to tell her? Are you trying to keep some deep, dark secret? It’s about that Raylene hussy, isn’t it? You saw her last night, didn’t you? Didn’t you?

The truth is, the guy’s rented tuxedo pants are just too tight.

An even bigger mystery than “why men don’t cry” is “why men do cry.” I’ve been thinking about this recently because on a recent evening, I found myself sitting on our couch, tears leaking out of my face for absolutely no reason.

All I was doing was going through our old photo albums, trying to find a picture I needed. I happened to run across a picture of my son (now 17) sitting in a baby stroller; my daughter (now 14) toddling down a mountain trail; my wife smiling on our wedding day; the three of them, arms around each other in Yellowstone; my parents, looking young and happy; and pets that have been gone for years and friends I haven’t seen in decades.

Why would this make a man cry? What kind of Big Game was this? Oh, that’s right. It’s called life.

To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to The Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review