You May Be Better Off Never Knowing

Blind dates are the sit-ups of singledom. They’re good for you, but you hate them. You know you should go on fix ups. Everyone tells you, “You never know …” But, yuck! They’re usually disasters. They’re broccoli, they’re sensible shoes, they’re flossing. But, you never know …

Tammy was 23, living in Florida. Her friend Fran told her she had a guy for her. Todd was 22, friendly, cute, a gentleman, and he worked in a restaurant. That was about all she told her.

“I had my doubts,” says Tammy, “but I talked to Todd briefly on the phone and he was nice enough, so Saturday at 8 p.m. it was.”

As Shakespeare once said, “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” Translated, that means that Tammy wore her new silk blouse that night.

At 8:15, a dirty, black tugboat came to a screeching halt outside her door. Out came Todd. “The first thing I noticed was that he had no socks or shoes on. He was wearing high-water brown corduroy pants and he was putting on his T-shirt as he scurried up the walk.”

Tammy’s first thought was: I’ll pretend I’m not home.

But after he rang the doorbell four times, she relented and let him in.

Big mistake.

“Think Kramer and Richard Simmons put together. He had no memorable features, other than his tall, black, wiry hair. He looked younger than I was told. I had suspicions that the restaurant he worked in was a McDonald’s.”

They did their hello-how-are-you?-nice-to-meet-you bit. Todd apologized for being late. Tammy said no problem. Todd said he had a hard time finding the house. Tammy thought, “It wasn’t because he couldn’t decide what to wear.”

They walked to the car. Which was the size of a U-boat and missing a back seat. Todd said he removed it so he’d have more room for his speakers. Which, fortunately for Tammy, were in the shop.

They discussed where to go on their date. Tammy suggested a movie; Todd suggested the beach. They compromised; they would see a “Star Trek” movie Tammy had absolutely no interest in.

“Lesson learned here: If you have no interest in the movie he wants to see, don’t go! I have never been a fan of ‘Star Trek.’ Not only was I completely uninterested in this dweeb, I now had to sit through two hours of Spock and friends. On the way to the movie, I also learned that Mario Andretti must have been Todd’s idol because he tried to break his Indy 500 record. During the race/ride, I tried to make small talk. I soon realized that Todd wasn’t very up on current events. Like who the vice president was.”

Todd, however, was not without interests. Heavy metal was high on his list. Motley Crue was his band. He played all their songs at ear-drum-busting decibels.

“At that, I gave up.”

At the movie, Todd wanted to make out; Tammy wanted to get out. “I chose to ignore him during the seemingly endless voyage of the Star Trek Enterprise. While the credits were still rolling, I came up with an urgent excuse to go home. Todd still wanted to go to the beach. I won and made it home, but only after listening to him expel Eagles trivia as if he were a finalist on ‘Jeopardy.’ If I hear ‘Hotel California’ any time in the next millennium it will be too soon.”

As Todd pulled into the driveway and “the tank” rolled to a stop, Tammy had her escape all ready. “Before he could even get out the words ‘I had a nice time,’ I shook his hand, said goodbye, and ran like Forrest Gump into the house.”

Tammy now has a new rule: “I make it a point to learn a lot more about a person, short of doing a background check, before I agree to go on a blind date.”