Determine What Is Acceptable Behavior
“My husband makes me feel like everything is my fault,” says 30-year old Janice. “I can’t hold my own in an argument with him. He misinterprets everything I say.”
When Janice first met Henry he seemed to be the most caring man in the world. “I thought he was the most charming man I ever met,” she recalls. “The man I live with now is light-years from the guy I fell in love with.” These days, Janice says, he reacts with hostility to everything she says and proffers compliments in a backhanded way:
“Last week, I had my hair cut in a stylish new way. Henry said, ‘Why’d you cut your hair? I liked it so much better the other way.’ I feel so defeated,” Janice recalls.
Henry knows Janice is sensitive - as a child, she’d been overweight - yet Henry frequently makes critical comments about her appearance, and Janice feels ambushed by her husband’s outbursts.
“Henry has an uncanny ability to turn an issue inside-out, so I end up telling him how sorry I am. Why does he act like that?”
Janice can no longer handle Henry’s sneers or sarcastic retorts:
“When I’m with him, I can feel the panic tightening my chest and neck,” she says. What’s more, she’s starting to wonder if maybe it is her fault that her marriage is on such shaky ground.
“Henry’s job at the bank is very demanding and I know he’s under a lot of pressure,” she says wearily. “Maybe I should try harder.”
Henry, 34, has a very different perception of what’s wrong.
“Janice is simply too sensitive about perceived injustices,” he says defensively.
“Half the time, I don’t know what she’s so upset about,” Henry says. As for his sneering remarks, he lobs that one back in Janice’s court:
“You should hear the way she talks to me,” he continues, “ordering me around like she’s my mother. She tries to control me, and that pushes all my wrong buttons.”
Henry, the oldest son of an overbearing mother and passive father, grew up in a home where it was dangerous to be too close to anyone. Frequently demeaned, criticized and punished, he learned to protect himself by maintaining as much control as possible over every situation. Though he says he loves Janice, he doesn’t know how to show her.
“What am I doing wrong?” he asks over and over again.
Do You Feel You’re Going Crazy?
Like the character in “Gaslight,” the 1939 movie starring Ingrid Bergman, whose husband made her believe she was going crazy, Janice is unsure of her own feelings and convinced there’s something wrong with her,” notes Mark Snowman, a marriage and family therapist.
In truth, Henry is behaving provocatively. Abrasive and often resistant to suggestions or comments, he cleverly flips the blame back on his partner since he feels so emotionally unsafe in his own life. By changing the topic, withholding information, refusing to communicate or attacking and blaming Janice, Henry is jockeying for power.
In most cases, he isn’t aware of what he’s doing; it’s the only way he knows. While such evasive maneuvers might have been necessary when dealing with his mother, they are inappropriate in a healthy, normal relationship.
When one partner feels “gaslighted” by another, two things must happen: The attacking partner must learn to control his anger and respond more appropriately to frustration. And the partner under attack must adopt some protection skills.
The following advice helped Janice and Henry.
Remember, while you may not be able to change your partner, you can change your response to his actions and set limits on behavior you deem unacceptable.
Learn to identify clues that you are starting down the road to a potentially explosive interaction and then to exit the situation until you are calm enough to continue.
Select one or two personal signals on when to back off.
If you are the partner feeling victimized, take a deep breath and try hard to hold onto your feelings in the face of your partner’s challenges. Express clearly the impact those actions have on you.
Once these two learned to disengage before things got too hot, they were able to work through their problems.