Cheap Seats

Those are fightin’ words

The New York Times ran a list of “Things You Wouldn’t Hear a Southerner Say? (sports category).” A sampling:

“We don’t keep firearms in this house.

“Wrestlin’s fake.

“Who’s Richard Petty?”

He’ll be missed - by visitors

For 12 years Robin Ficker mercilessly taunted the Washington Bullets’ opponents from his seat behind the visiting bench.

He wasn’t vulgar or profane. Just LOUD. And relentless.

When Michael Jordan was in a team huddle, Ficker read unflattering passages from the book “The Jordan Rules” or poked fun at Jordan’s gambling habit.

When Charles Barkley approached the foul line, Ficker chanted “Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun!” for the McDonald’s burger the pudgy player endorsed.

Ficker taunted Barkley about his ambition to become governor of Alabama, shouting questions about the economy, health care and NAFTA.

Ficker remembers Barkley’s response to one policy question: “Well, I do have a view on the death penalty: They should use it on you.”

When Chris Webber arrived with the Golden State Warriors, Ficker never let him forget how he mistakenly tried to call a timeout for the University of Michigan in the final seconds of the NCAA championship game when his team had none.

“TIME OUT!” he would yell at Webber. “STOP THE GAME!

Chris Webber wants a TIME OUT!”

Ficker won’t be heckling this season because the team didn’t offer him the same seats in the new arena, the MCI Center. Instead of a seat behind the visitor’s bench, the team offered a seat behind a basket. Ficker decided not to return.

Easy does it on the Bordeaux

When Michael Jordan was in Paris recently with the Chicago Bulls, a story in the newspaper France-Soi had this reaction: “(Michael Jordan) is in Paris. That’s better than the pope. It’s God in person.”

Bad News Bears

Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune collected suggestions for movie titles about the Chicago Bears’ woeful season. Some examples:

“Four Quarters and a Funeral,” “Interception Day,” “Basic Lack of Instinct,” “Catch-22, Drop 78,” “A Fish Called Wannstedt,” “Das Boo,” “Stalag 17, Bears 0,” and “Punt for the Rest of October.”

All were categorized in the horror genre.

Bo knows this ain’t true

Oakland wide receiver Tim Brown was quoted as saying that Bo Jackson was timed at 4.09 seconds in the 40-yard dash. “That’s unheard of,” he added.

It’s also absurd. Carl Lewis, Bob Hayes or even Ben Johnson on drugs never came close to running that fast, even in their dreams.

He still gets hit hard at home

The San Diego Union-Tribune included John Curtis, who pitched for five major league teams, as one of baseball’s most disappointing free agents of all time. Curtis sent the paper a letter:

“After this many years (almost 15), I thought everyone had forgotten me. Thanks for remembering. My wife is ordering a plaque with the inscription ‘Most Disappointing of All Time.”’

The last word …

“He’s the Dick Clark of coaching, 67 going on 27, and still worried about whether he can find work.”

- Matt Dobek, publicist for the Detroit Pistons, on former coach Chuck Daly, now coach of the Orlando Magic.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo