Ending Pattern Of Silence Opens Communications

“The night Jeff broke down and sobbed after we’d made love - the first time we’d had sex in weeks - I knew something was terribly wrong,” said Janice, 35, a former kindergarten teacher who stopped working to raise Beth, now 6, and Joey, 5.

“Back in college Jeff was the star of the football team. I never thought he’d give someone like me a second glance. He’s tough, always in control, certainly not the type to dissolve into tears. I was stunned to see him so upset - but I couldn’t bear to ask what was wrong for fear of wounding his pride.” That refusal to confront problems head-on has been a hallmark of Jeff and Janice’s 14-year-marriage.

Though she’s sensed for some time that Jeff is unhappy about something and assumes that something is her fault, Janice is not the type to push or pry.

“Jeff used to coach football, wrestling and track at a small high school and he loved it,” she recalls. “Then, out of the blue, he announced that he wasn’t going to ask for a transfer to the administrative post that we’d long planned on. Instead, he gave up his job and went into the insurance business.”

Though his increased salary allowed them to buy a wonderful house, Janice was hurt that Jeff didn’t think to consult her. Similarly, he put a down payment on a new home before Janice had a chance to look at it. “It turned out to be just what we’d talked about buying, but the fact that he presumed to know what I was thinking did annoy me,” she admits.

In the last few months, Jeff has become increasingly withdrawn, but Janice can’t put her finger on what might be triggering her husband’s bouts of moodiness.

Ironically, all their friends envy them, Janice adds. “We do have a lot to be thankful for - two adorable children, a lovely home and a financial cushion because we’re careful to buy only what we really need,” Janice adds. In fact, in the 14 years they’ve been married, they’ve never had an argument or, for that matter, even a quarrel. “So why is our marriage falling to pieces?” she wonders.

Jeff, 35, thinks he knows why: “We’ve lived our life by the book, everything is planned out way in advance, and I’m bored to death with her, with myself, with our life,” says the muscular six-footer in a flat voice.

“A few years ago, I looked in the mirror and said, ‘Is this it?’ Overnight, it seems, I’d had a bellyful of my wife’s step-by-step plan to happiness. Though I was happy to go along with it in the beginning, it just isn’t working for me anymore.”

Quitting his job was Jeff’s first step toward independence, but even that didn’t give him the satisfaction he’d anticipated. In fact, now that he thinks about it, Jeff feels that very few of his needs have been met in this marriage. “This is going to sound petty, but in 14 years I haven’t even been able to convince my wife to buy a king-size bed. Our old double bed is much too cramped for me, but since buying a bed isn’t on her list of priorities, I’ve had to make do with that, too.”

The Negative Effects Of Suffering In Silence

“These two know almost as little about each other as two passersby on the street,” says Dean Smith, a marriage therapist in Los Angeles. Sensible and pragmatic, they carefully orchestrated their lives to proceed on schedule according to a well-thought-out plan.

Though neither was happy, neither felt confident expressing even the smallest grievance. Ironically, because they never fought, they both assumed that they must have a good marriage.

Are you a silent sufferer? Here’s how to tell and how to change:

Do you pride yourself on maintaining control, never revealing the anger you feel? Silent sufferers often have low-self esteem and don’t feel entitled to assert their needs. Bottled-up resentment seeps out in quiet but toxic ways. You will feel the pile-up - stress, and your relationship with your partner will be marked by bickering and nitpicking on issues that start out small but soon loom large.

Recognize that neither of you will feel satisfied until you feel you are being heard. Work together to create a time and space that is conducive to airing your differences.

By staying focused on one issue at a time, and really hearing each other out, you build a structure for communicating your needs. Don’t expect to hammer out all your issues in one sitting. If a discussion disintegrates into an argument, take a break from your discussion and bring it up again later.