Stress, Poverty Factors Of Abuse

Dear Ann Landers: I have a message for “Average Girl in Every City, U.S.A.,” whose boyfriend is a batterer. She said she planned to stay with him “no matter what.” I hope that idiot woman has health insurance and lives near a hospital with a good emergency room because she will be going there often. Voice of Experience in Wilkes Barre, Pa.

Dear Voice: You and hundreds of others. The responses have been eye-openers. Keep reading:

From St. John’s, Newfoundland: Please tell “Average Girl” I walked that same lonely road 14 years ago. If she won’t take your advice, maybe she will take mine. Get out now. A batterer can become a murderer in a matter of seconds. I know because I stayed with one too long and consider myself lucky to be alive.

Charlotte, N.C.: It’s your life, Average Girl. You have every right to stay with the creep if that’s what you want, but please don’t have children with that lowlife. After he kills you, he may be the one who raises the kids.

Colchester, Vt.: Please tell Average Girl, whose boyfriend is beating her, that she should get into counseling immediately. My boyfriend chipped away at my self-esteem until he made me feel worthless. Then the occasional slap escalated into full-blown beatings. I actually believed I deserved getting knocked around. I pray she will listen to me.

Erie, Pa.: I was 23 years old and weighed 170 pounds when I married the first man who asked me. I was sure I would never get another proposal. After a few months, “Chuck” started to shove me, and then, he slapped me. The slaps turned into punches, and I was too afraid to cross him. When my brother asked about my black eye and bruised face, I broke down and told him. He came over to our house the next evening and informed Chuck that if he ever laid a hand on me again, he would be arrested. That ended the abuse, and now, our marriage is not perfect, but it’s a lot better.

Chicago: Anybody who reads your column is sure to see him or herself sooner or later. I saw myself when I read about the battered girlfriend. Alcohol made my husband violent. The last time he hit me, I told him, “Join AA and get off the booze, or I’m taking the kids and moving in with my folks.” He knew I meant it and went to his first AA meeting the next night. That was seven years ago. He is now 100 percent sober, just like the great guy I married 12 years ago.

St. Catharines, Ontario: I remember reading in a sociology book when I was in high school that African American and Hispanic men hit their wives more often than Asian and Anglo-Saxon males. They treated their wives the same way their fathers treated their mothers. Is that true today? - An Inquisitive Reader

Dear Inquisitive: That must have been a very old book. Recent studies indicate that the severity of domestic abuse is related to stress and poverty, not to race or ethnicity. Alcoholism, lower economic status and a history of family violence are the risk markers.

And now for a word of caution: According to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, an abused woman is more at risk of serious injury or death when she is in the process of leaving or after she has left her abusive partner.

For those who need help in a hurry, here is the phone number of the National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (TDD: 1-800-787-3224).

Gem of the Day: Most men are like wine - some turn into vinegar, but the best improve with age.