Pumping Iron In Post Falls With Real Heavy

At long last, our humble, downtrodden area is becoming a major player on the global stage.

No more bit parts for us. Soon we’ll get the reviews we deserve instead of pity from Seattle sophisticates who think of us as their “toothless cousins from the bumpkin patch.”

The Rolling Stones may never rock our small world. But check out what did appear here at the exact same time on Thursday afternoon:

The World’s Largest Popcorn Ball rolled into town for a 4 p.m. appearance at the Spokane Arena.

The World’s Strongest Man held a 4 p.m. news conference in Post Falls.

Coincidence? I hardly think so.

Call me a big-dreaming, bald dunderhead, but this could be another sign of our journey to the Big Time.

Some of the World’s Biggest Marshmallows, for example, are currently running for seats in local government.

Wow. A giant popcorn ball.

Now we Spokane taxpayers know why we shelled out all that money for a new coliseum - to get the really big shows. Had we only sprung for those extra 2,500 seats, the Arena probably could have handled both the World’s Biggest Popcorn Ball and the World’s Strongest Man.

Then I wouldn’t have spent so much time wondering what to cover.

Corn ball? Brawny dude?

With great reluctance I gave one of the newspaper’s top investigative reporters a crack at the 5,000-pound popcorn tumor and headed for Post Falls to meet Anthony Clark, the World’s Strongest Man.

Clark, no relation except for our obvious manly characteristics, was here to break his 800-pound world bench-press record. The testosterone flowed at the Idaho Iron National Deadlift and Bench Press Championships at Templin’s Resort.

Bob Dole excluded, animate objects usually make for better interviews than inanimate objects. But what really cinched it for me was learning that Clark has - pause for dramatic effect - 26-inch biceps.

Those aren’t arms. Those are bridge abutments.

With the help of an editor who stubbornly refused to touch my inseam, I discovered my flabby thighs are 3 inches smaller than this ogre’s arms.

“I tore this one lifting a car,” said Clark, pointing to an ugly deformity on the massive bulging muscle of his left arm.

“Does it hurt?” I said, gawking at the freakish limb.

“Only when I lift cars,” he deadpanned.

Oh, yeah, Anthony Clark is way more fun than a popcorn ball. He is a 5-foot-8, 345-pound chunk of dark granite. A Filipino who moved to Houston as a child, Clark bears an uncanny resemblance to Odd Job, the stocky hat-flipping villain in the James Bond movie “Goldfinger.”

Clark is a soft-spoken, good-humored Christian man. You can tell how intertwined his sport and faith are by the crucifix hanging around the telephone pole he calls his neck. The Lord’s arms are outstretched to hold barbells.

Thank God Clark isn’t an Olympic swimmer. I shudder to think of the Savior wearing a Speedo and goggles.

Being the World’s Strongest Man carries many opportunities. In Japan, Clark once lifted and rolled a giant wheelbarrow filled with a 6,000-pound elephant.

“What was that like?” I asked.

“Poor elephant,” Clark replied, shaking his head at the grim memory.

On Saturday afternoon, Clark bench pressed 755 pounds, far short of his goal.

Besides holding the world squat record at 1,100 pounds, Clark said he once ate 75 pieces of fish at an all-you-can-eat restaurant in Houston. He was going for more until the horrified manager asked him to leave.

Hmmm. Maybe Clark is wasting his time hoisting Fords and hapless pachyderms.

I’d like to see the World’s Strongest Man try to eat the World’s Largest Popcorn Ball.

Now that would truly be a world-class moment in the region’s cultural rise to the top.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color photo