Counting The Ways That Men Fall Apart
From a letter to the editor on Sept. 19: “I must object to your prominent placement on Sept. 14 (IN Life) of a sidebar listing the grotesque potential symptoms that women endure as they pass through menopause… . In the name of equal time, please run a well-placed inventory of the ways men become repulsive in their 40s and 50s. Signed, Jani L. Gilbert, Spokane.”
Well, Jani L. Gilbert of Spokane, I’m delighted to help!
Being a 44-year-old man myself, I am an authority on all of the ways that middle-aged men become repulsive. In addition, I have interviewed several other experts on this subject, namely, the wives of middle-aged men.
As you will see, my list contains many of the same symptoms that menopausal women are said to endure. The only missing symptom is the “hot flash,” which some men claim to have experienced, but only while drinking a flaming rum punch.
Here’s my own authoritative list:
Comb-overs - A startling medical condition in which seven lonely hairs suddenly begin to grow sideways, up and over the top of the cranium, until they hit the opposite ear.
Hair growth on ears - Another startling medical condition, in which the ears suddenly begin to sprout fur. In extreme cases, these hairs are also involved in comb-overs (see above).
Spare tires - Large fat deposits around the midriff which begin, hideously, to emerge from under T-shirts.
Snoring - An involuntary snorting/strangling noise that afflicts men of all ages, yet now begins to take on the volume of an industrial chipper-shredder.
Delusional tendencies - A psychiatric condition in which a 48-year-old man believes he is attractive to a 23-year-old woman, which is of course true only if he is rich.
Lapses in judgment - In which a middle-age man forgets, regrettably, that nobody wants to see him with his shirt off at a baseball game.
Gas-related disturbances - In which a middle-aged man believes he has suddenly developed flatulence, forgetting for a moment that he has been flatulent since at least Cub Scouts.
Mood swings - Men who have never even had moods before suddenly find that they have them, and they are swinging back and forth, from elation to despair, depending on whether their football team wins or not.
Uncontrollable urges - The overwhelming compulsion to purchase a Winnebago.
Beer gut - A condition in which a formerly fit and trim man suddenly realizes he hasn’t seen his feet for two years.
Delusions of grandeur - A dreamlike fantasy in which a man believes, for as long as 10 minutes at time, that his teenage children respect him for his wisdom, talents and experience.
Anxiety about sex - Something that occurs in middle-aged men as often as once every three years.
Sick obsessions - In which a 40-something man neglects his job, his health and his family in order to pursue an unhealthy passion, such as breaking par.
Breakdown of physical coordination - A frightening condition often seen when a 45-year-old man attempts to discodance at a wedding.
Faulty reminiscence syndrome - When a man continually and tediously repeats the old story about the time he made the game-winning catch in a high school football game, when in fact he was actually on the debate squad.
A feeling that “time is running out” - A state of desperate, morbid anxiety about death, which is usually cured by the purchase of a Jaguar.
Blurry vision - In which a 47-year-old man looks in a mirror and sees his ruggedly handsome 27-year-old face staring back. Then he gets bifocals.
Unexplained feelings of despair - Often triggered by random phrases, such as, “college tuition.”
Latero-abdominal spread - A common condition of menopausal men, cured by the wearing of Sansabelt slacks.
Irritability - In which a middleaged man is angered by small annoyances, such as receiving an AARP card in the mail.
, DataTimes MEMO: To leave a message on Jim Kershner’s voice-mail, call 459-5493. Or send e-mail to jimk@spokesman.com, or regular mail to Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.