Comfort Zone

Usually, a woman’s hurt can be separated, isolated and, then, it is to be hoped, healed. But there is one hurt which is every possible hurt all in one; when a husband leaves his wife and asks for a divorce quite often so he can marry a younger woman. The wife is bombarded by feelings of jealousy, betrayal, hate, bitterness, immediate low self-esteem and absolute panic. What will she do now? How will she survive?

Janet, in her early 60s, said it took her seven years to “recover.” Seven years to be wholly herself again; seven years to rid herself of the scalding hate of her husband and the jealousy of his new wife who was just a few years older than their children.

She said, though, “Given the circumstances, I guess I’m luckier than most. At least, I still have my home and enough money.”

Christine, a 55-year old woman said, “Not only my husband, but my children, too, have abandoned me.” A situation like this, which often forces even adult children to take sides, cannot help but present problems. Perhaps this particular woman, obviously still somewhat bitter, is no longer a pleasure for her children to be around. Or perhaps the children simply find it easier to be separated from both parents. No matter what, it’s never an easy situation for anyone involved.

Some women unknowingly and, perhaps, quite unavoidably make it easier for their husbands to want to leave. These women have devoted themselves to their children and have been good homemakers, but, understandably, then, there has been too little time left to give to their husbands or partners.

Although rarely does a man make his partner feel she is the most important person in his life; many men don’t find it at all unreasonable to expect the women they live with the put them first, to be interested in their jobs or professions and to make them feel all-important.

Today, most women work and, therefore, must juggle their two lives. No matter how badly they want to please their husband and to spend more time with them, they don’t have either the time or the energy. They hope, of course, that their husbands will understand; but far too often, they don’t.

These abandoned women are likely to think of their husband’s new partners as “hussies” as a way to build up their own self-esteem. But these new partners no more serve such titles than the former wives deserve to be called “frumps.” It should always be remembered that it takes two to tango. The husbands are just as responsible for breaking up their marriages as the new partners.

An abandoned woman needs not only time but, often, outside help if she is going to recover completely from the blow. In Spokane and six surrounding counties, many of these women are helped by a free program, started in 1979, now called “Change Point.” It’s a six-week course held at the Institute for Extended Learning, located across from Spokane Falls Community College. There, they learn self-esteem, communication skills, decision making, job search, how to write resumes, how to interact, and role playing.

Each class is divided into support groups and once a week each group meets with a counselor. If a woman feels the need for a private consultation, that, too, is available. Many of these women are not well-off and can’t afford outside counseling or anything except their basic living needs.

Some of the women are in denial; they keep hoping their lives will go back to being the way they were, that they can again live in their ‘comfort zones’. But even they can usually be taught to move on, to rid themselves of their depressions, to let go of most of their anger and to support themselves again.

The program is free to all women who are not gainfully employed. Most of the women in the program have only high school degrees; and a few not even that. Out of a class of 30, only one or two have college degrees. After leaving the program, it’s not unusual for more than 70 percent of the women to enter college.

Wanda, whose husband dominated and abused her, went to Change Point, then to college, got an arts degree, and says Change Point saved her life. Marilyn, in her mid-40s was shocked when her husband told her he wanted a divorce. She had considered their marriage a happy one. After she went to Change Point, she began working as a saleswoman in a downtown retail clothing store. Within three years, she became a buyer and five years after that, she was named the top buyer of the national chain.

Lee had five children when her husband left her. He did pay some child support but not enough. She was in her mid-30s and had some college education. Two years after her husband left her, she met someone else. She was pregnant when she entered Change Point.

Although she now had six children, she went on to get her BA and eventually her law degree. She’s now a successful lawyer and gives some of her time to other women who need a lawyer but can’t afford one.

It’s good to know that for these women who need support and help so badly, there is a place steer them in directions they could not have found by themselves.

Everyone knows by now that women definitely do need other women; and Change Point is just one more example of how women bonded together can accomplish all kinds of miracles.