The Right To Bear Weeds

In the Inland Northwest, we hold this truth to be self-evident.

Everyone cares deeply about lawns and gardens.

There’s just one problem. It’s an erroneous assumption.

Doubt it? Just ask around.

The fact is, a lot of people hereabouts have no interest in ergonomic weeders and mulch. But for too long their voices have been drowned out by the din of dandelion discussions.

Till now.

It’s time for this downtrodden minority to rise up and demand a Yard Talk Bill of Rights.

There are, after all, different kinds of liberty. And one is the freedom to reject lawn obsession.

So here, humbly submitted, is a draft document. It is dedicated to the principle that being forced to hear about crabgrass and the beneficence of earthworms is a brand of tyranny.

This spring, be it resolved that…

I. Monologues about sprinklers and lawn-fertilizing strategy should be discontinued once it becomes clear that the listener’s eyes have glazed over and his or her jaw has gone slack.

II. In all matters pertaining to mowing frequency, neighbors shall henceforth and always mind their own business. (The one exception would be the reasonable right to inquire as to why the guy across the street finds it necessary to fire up his mower at 6:45 a.m. on Saturdays.)

III. Individuals with tiny backyard gardens shall not refer to their modest endeavors in such a way as to liken themselves to heroic Dust Bowl farmers attempting to scratch out a living. Expressions to be avoided in conversation include - but are not restricted to - “tilling the soil,” “working the earth” and “yield.”

IV. Spokane-area gardeners shall not unfairly exploit the fact that they tend to be good-looking.

V. Retirees are hereby admonished to bear in mind that not everyone can devote 75 hours a week to landscaping activities.

VI. The Inland Northwest definition of living life to the fullest shall be expanded to include emotional/intellectual pursuits beyond pruning and composting.

In keeping with this, family members shall not rebuke individuals in reclining chairs who respond to any and all discussions of yard work by saying, “I’ll get to it later.”

VII. Local governments shall make all possible laws abridging the right to bear zucchini.

VIII. People who live in apartments shall no longer be viewed as lawnless lifestyle-radicals intent on upsetting the Inland Northwest’s carefully edged social order.

IX. Freedom of speech allowances shall be considered to include the right to note the absurdity of automatic sprinklers going off while it’s raining.

X. It shall be the irrevocable right of anyone, when confronted with a soliloquy about the spirituality of having one’s hands in the dirt, to say “I care about you and that’s why I’m begging you to get some therapy.”