Stop Fighting And Talk, Listen Better

‘Andy has become a workaholic who obviously cares more about his job than he does for me or our two boys (ages 7 and 4),” insists Angela, 29, who dropped out of college after her junior year to marry Andy, an architecture student. “He’s relegated me to the status of nurse, housekeeper, cook and sex toy,” she continues. “It’s degrading, and I refuse to have anything to do with him under the circumstances.”

The irony is that Angela and Andy had had a mutually exciting sexual relationship.

Proof of Andy’s devotion to his career, rather than his family, came recently when he revealed that he had volunteered to develop a new urban housing project. “But the number of hours he’s going to have to put in means we’ll never see him,” says Angela.

Angela has worked hard to convince Andy to drop the project and re-prioritize his life, but her pleas fell on deaf ears.

But it’s her husband’s criticism that infuriates Angela most. “Looking back, it seems Andy has been pulling away from me and ignoring my wishes ever since the boys were born. He puts me down in snide ways, yawning at my conversations and jeering at my taste in music,” she says.

Andy, also 29, has no idea what’s bothering his wife. “Angela says she loves me, but while I’m breaking my back to ensure our future success, she’s doing everything possible to bring down my morale and ruin me professionally,” he says wearily.

Angela, he claims, misinterprets and exaggerates everything. “The other night, I was exhausted and lonely, too,” he says. “I don’t like being away from her or the boys any more than she likes it. When I fell into bed and took her in my arms it was because I missed her. She spent the next 30 minutes yelling at me and pounding me with her fists.”

Andy wishes his wife would be more flexible and interested in his career success. “When we first met, we’d drive for hours looking at and sketching unusual buildings and bridges,” he recalls. “What happened to that woman?”

Angela is smart, Andy says, and he doesn’t understand why she’s dropped her plans for a career in journalism.

“But instead of taking the initiative, she sits in the house and does nothing,” he claims. “If she’s not going to work, he asks, is it so unreasonable that she at least keep the house clean?”

When intimacy erodes

“Angela is clearly punishing Andy for his lack of attention to her and the boys, but he’s also upset at her lack of concern for his career goals,” says Marc Snowman, a marriage and family therapist in New York City. Emotionally needy, she is asking more of her husband than he can possibly give right now. Then she’s assuming the worst.

On the other hand, instead of addressing Angela’s concerns, Andy becomes defensive and fires away with hurtful criticisms that are really beside the point. Intimacy has been completely eroded because each is stuck in misconceptions about the other’s feelings and motivations.

If you often feel that your marriage is as tangled up in miscommunication as this one, rethink the way you handle difficult topics. To keep them from disintegrating into nasty arguments, the following suggestions might help:

Pinpoint the problem and stick to the issue when you’re having a discussion. Andy needs to stop harping on Angela’s housekeeping and talk instead about how they can spend more meaningful time together.

Character assassination has no place in any conversation, especially between two people who supposedly love each other. Ditto, blame. The point: What can you both do to make your relationship better?

Don’t expect or demand unconditional surrender. This is not a right/wrong situation. This is your chance to say what’s bothering you and what you’d like to see happen differently rather than a time to inventory all the offensive things your partner is doing.

Fight fair. Don’t dredge up past grudges or things your spouse may have revealed to you in a moment of vulnerability.

Keep fights out of the bedroom. Your bedroom should be a haven, and sex should be a way to connect deeply and lovingly. Don’t make it a weapon in ongoing power struggles.