Time To Enroll In Parenting Class
Q. I am a single mother of a 4-year-old son. He rarely sees his father, maybe every month or two. I have considered asking his father not to see him anymore if he cannot offer consistency. We live with my mother in a very stressful household. Financial limitations preclude my finding a place for the two of us. The most challenging problem is my son’s back talk and anger.
My son has adopted my method of saying “I need to talk to you.” He counters with this every time I tell him he has to put his toys away, or we cannot look at basketballs today, etc. He will fight endlessly with me.
He yells, screams and throws himself on the ground. He tells me not to talk to him. When I get angry, he becomes very emotional and begs me not to be angry. My anger seems to really upset him. He becomes immediately emotional lately if I even raise my voice a bit. Even if I get mad, he will still not give up the fight over TV, his pacifier or whatever. I see that he has a great deal of anger and emotion that surfaces when he is under stress. I have consciously tried to avoid raising my voice or losing my temper, but he is one to push the issue beyond the patience of a saint.
Do you think he needs to see a professional about these emotional outbursts?
How can I tell if he needs to see someone, or if I just need to spend some extra time with him?
A. My recommendation is to enroll in a parenting class. You’ll learn new strategies of dealing with him, and the cost is much less expensive than therapy.
Your son has learned to exploit some uncertainty on your part about how to handle his challenging behavior. Participating in a group will build your confidence and offer you support.
Four-year-olds will take a different stand on any issue in order to establish their independence. It takes the wisdom of a sage not to get drawn into verbal fights with them.
At the same time he’s trying to separate from you, he’s still very dependent on your approval. He’s afraid he’ll lose your love if you get angry.
Reduce conflict by ignoring non-critical issues. For example, let him control his pacifier. Also, don’t expect him to clean up without help.
When he objects to a critical rule, don’t argue, go right on with your plans.
You don’t need his agreement to enforce your rules, just action.
Spend special time with him each day. Kids gain a sense of security and confidence from positive interactions with parents.
Encourage his father to visit more often. Your son needs to know his dad, whether he is consistent or not. Can your son visit for the weekend?
The goal is to maintain calm control. Kids may act determined to get their way, but they want a parent who is clearly in charge.
Q. What do you do when one parent is a “marshmallow” in enforcing house rules, bedtime routine etc., to the point where the kids always want that parent when they get scolded or don’t get to do what they want?
A. The solution is to decide which of these differences is crucial to your standards of care and household harmony. Pick the right moment, and ask your partner to support you on the issues you feel are critical.
Don’t ask your partner to agree with your view, just request that he or she avoid contradicting your position.
Kids learn very early which parent is more strict and which is more lenient. They may seek out sympathy and support wherever they can find it, however, they respect the parent who establishes reasonable rules and is willing to enforce them.