To Everyone’S Great Relief

Tue., April 21, 1998

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

Little Rachel Bain, 2, told her parents there was an elephant in her big brother’s bed.

But it was just 7-year-old David Bain’s snoring.

* On the spot: So we were taking a Sunday stroll, listening to the radio on earphones, when two helmet-wearing girls on bikes stopped and demanded that we guess their ages.

Talk about an undertaking fraught with peril. Guess too low and it’s a grievous insult. Guess too high and, well, that’s not good either.

“Eleven and a half,” we said.

The girls glared. They claimed they were 13.

But their deflated expressions said they were about 11 and a half.

* Getting a one-day head start on Secretaries Day: Readers told us about some terrific secretaries, including Vicki Farnsworth, Lisa Brown, Jan Hays, Fran Tierney, Nancy Rice, Dawn Svara, Cindi Dewitt, Pam Davis, Arlene Knutson, Louise Greenfield, Warde Bayyuk, Brenda Lindsey, Jan Nash, Judy Jones, Linda Erickson, Shirley Nitcy, Valeta Knutsen and Barbara Dewey.

* Things that have gone wrong at weddings: Readers mentioned the minister forgetting to show up, the 15-year-old boy left in charge of the music selecting a lot of Uriah Heep and Black Sabbath, a limo breaking down, a cake turning into a sugary avalanche, the person in charge of the recorded music playing a lively bluegrass song when the timing called for a romantic ballad and the bride picking up early (and accurate) inklings that the groom was gay.

* Japan Week: In the right wind, the Farmers and Merchants Bank flag can look like a Japanese flag.

* This year’s Day Before Earth Day Top 10 ranking of the planets:

1. Earth. (Still has the best burgers.) 2. Saturn. (Looks matter.) 3. Pluto. (Redefines “cool.”) 4. Neptune. (Had a good year.) 5. Jupiter. (Too big to be ignored.) 6. Venus. (Earth’s dance partner.) 7. Mercury. (Small but hot.) 8. Uranus. (Don’t say it.) 9. Vulcan. (Not a real planet.) 10. Mars. (Ignore the hype.)

* Just when you thought it was safe: There was a classified ad that said, “TITANIC SALE: You’ve seen the movie. Now see the sale.”

* On second thought: We were going to note our suspicions that the people on the Whitworth Evening College billboard aren’t real students. Then we thought about certain Swell Paper ads and decided to pipe down.

* Today’s Slice question: How long would a “Who’s Who in the Inland Northwest” list have to be before your name would be on it?

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