Punishment Shouldn’T Be Haphazard
Q. I have a 4-year-old daughter who, the moment I turn my back on her, leaves the yard. I’ve tried handling this in different ways, but none has worked. I’m becoming increasingly frustrated. Do you have any ideas?
A. The first, and most logical, solution that comes to mind is to bring your daughter indoors every time she leaves the yard without supervision.
Q. But I’ve done it, and the problem is still with us.
A. I suspect you’ve brought her inside on a number of different occasions, but not upon every occasion of leaving the yard. Am I right?
Q. Well, I have to admit to a tendency to skip around a lot, trying one approach for a few days, then another one, and so on. That goes to show how frustrated I have been about all this.
A. Right! Your frustration is what’s tripping you up. If problems in business were approached that haphazardly, chaos would reign in the marketplace. Realizing that consumers need time to test any new product, businesses rarely expect a new marketing strategy to show a profit in the first quarter. Likewise, children need time to test new rules. Therefore, parents shouldn’t expect any new strategy of discipline to show a “profit” for at least a week or two.
Be consistent and give things time to work. Every time your young one leaves the yard, bring her inside. Just be matter-of-fact about it. With this age child, the most effective consequences are relatively brief, but to the point. When you bring her in, set the timer on your stove for one hour and tell her she must stay in until the buzzer sounds. During that hour, don’t let her watch television, don’t read books to her and don’t be the playmate. The inconvenience of the indoor time belongs to her, not to you. If you make her punishment your problem, the lesson will be lost.
Q. What do you think about spanking children?
A. Most parents don’t know how to spank, so they shouldn’t. Once a parent learns how to spank “well,” they can, but don’t have to.
A spanking should be spontaneous. It should happen quickly and be over quickly. It should not be prefaced with threats, explanations or apologies, especially of the “this is going to hurt me more than it hurt you” sort.
A spanking should always be done in anger, but never in a rage. Children should know that there is emotion behind the act, but should not be terrified by that emotion.
A spanking is not intended to cause hurt, but is simply a nonverbal way of expressing anger and authority. You want the child to remember the lesson and not the pain.
One or two firm swats will do.
A spanking should be done with the hand. It is a personal statement and therefore no implement should be used.
A spanking should be to the rear end only - it’s the body’s built-in shock absorber.
A spanking should be done by parents only. Spankings are acts of intimacy, requiring a foundation of intimacy.
There is instant forgiveness on both sides of the fence after a welldone spanking. Done improperly, there is instant guilt and resentment.