Persuade Him That Counseling Could Help
“I can’t listen to Keith go on and on about his problems anymore,” sighs Eve, 37, the mother of Justin, 13, and Eric, 11.
“Because Keith doesn’t have a lot of friends, he’s always turned to me,” Eve explains. “I’ve listened when he fretted about doing well at work, when he had problems with his boss, when he was convinced he wasn’t doing a good enough job, when he agonized about how to handle his brother or his mother. My full-time job was to make Keith feel better about Keith. For my husband, the glass is always half-empty.”
Now, it’s time to focus on Eve. “I’m tired of being the strong one,” she states.
Though Eve has told Keith he should go for counseling, he’s reluctant and they’ve been arguing about it ever since. How can she get him the help he needs?
The trouble is, Keith, 38, a lawyer, never thought very highly of counseling or therapy.
“Being able to talk freely to Eve was the reason I fell in love with her,” he says.
“Growing up, I never felt anyone was ever around to listen. Eve would always be there to help me figure things out.”
Keith is the kind of person who needs to talk about how he feels. If he were worried about his older brother’s health problems or a big project at work, he’d just start talking.
“Eve was always encouraging and upbeat. I was shocked when she told me she couldn’t take it anymore,” he says.
“Eve has changed,” he laments. “She’s not supportive; she has no patience for me anymore and, frankly, she treats me like bad help. But I’m afraid counseling will make things even worse.”
Getting him into the counselor’s office
“Keith is blindsided by Eve’s unwillingness to be his perpetual sounding board,” says Nanette Berman Cohen, a marriage and family therapist. “She had been such a good listener that he had fallen into the habit of pouring his heart out to her. When she announced she could no longer tolerate this, he felt betrayed: Eve changed the rules in the middle of the game.”
Intelligent and articulate, Keith speaks clearly and easily about his feelings, but he’s obviously depressed and probably has been his whole life.
However, like many men, Keith not only doubts the efficacy of counseling but fears it could make matters worse. How can you get a reluctant spouse into counseling?
First, quit trying to guilt trip him into going. Temper tantrums and emotional appeals won’t work. He’ll feel attacked and dig in his heels. Unless you’re dealing with a spouse who is abusive or addicted, hard logic and direct confrontation probably won’t work. Instead, try gentle persuasion.
Here’s how to do it:
Figure out why he is so resistant. Is he afraid that he’ll be on the hot seat, that you and the counselor will gang up on him? If that’s the case, agree to meet with the counselor he feels comfortable with. If he refuses to go because he feels he “doesn’t need fixing,” be sympathetic but avoid fighting.
Don’t wait until problems become insurmountable.
Pick a time to talk when you are feeling confident and upbeat.
Help him see patterns in his behavior. Without blame or accusation, point out some parallels he might not have noticed. Show empathy for the way he is feeling or the problems he faces.
Do some homework yourself to help him find a counselor who is right for him.
There are many different types of therapy and therapists, so it’s best to think about what you want to get out of counseling and explore your options before you begin.To find a counselor near you, contact: The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (202-452-0109), 10 17th St., 10th Floor, Washington, D.C., 20036-4601; The American Psychiatric Association, Division of Public Affairs, 1400 K St., N.W., Washington, D. C. 20005; state psychological associations (check the Yellow Pages); the psychology departments of universities or teaching hospitals.
If he still refuses, go by yourself.
Experts agree: It’s best when both partners go for counseling, but you can still make progress in your marriage if you go alone.
Many times, when one person changes, the other person has to change in response.